Getting a Life (Back!)

Thank God it's almost over.

May sweeps are coming to a close, which means that I can finally stop watching all of those TV shows that have usurped what used to be a reasonably interesting life in favor of couch-potato-dom.

"Survivor" is over. Amen. What an irritating bunch of self-righteous schmos this season. I wanted Ian to win, and while it sucks that he basically gave up in the name of high morals or whatever, he HAD to have known that Tom was unbeatable and getting accolades for being the morally pure soul or whatever was probably his best shot at post-Survivor fame.

"The Amazing Race" is over. Boo. I'll actually miss this season -- easily the most engaging reality TV of the past 5 years. Boston Rob & Amber were hysterical, and it was nice to see some edginess slip into a show that's usually little more than team bickering and lame attempts at showcasing "world culture." Hopefully it'll usher in a new wave of more strategic, underhanded Amazing Racers.

"The Apprentice" ends this week. Hoorah. I want to go MONTHS without seeing or hearing Donald Trump. If Tanna wins, I'm gonna off myself. It makes sense that she's a successful Mary Kay sales rep. Nothing to me says "FAKE!" quite like Mary Kay, and no one's as fake as Tanna. I hope she loses by a mile. Who's with me?

"American Idol" has two more weeks. Good, get it over with. Now that Scotty the Body and Constantine are both gone, the show's become a bit... boring. (I know many of you hated both those guys, and I'm NOT saying that they're particularly GOOD, but they were at least so comically ill-placed in the competition that it made for amusing TV.) Now I'm yearning for Paula Abdul to flash her top at Bo or do ANYTHING to make the show more interesting.

"24" has only 2 or 3 more episodes. This, too, is a good thing, because frankly, Jack Bauer needs some sleep, and America can't take much more of this. This season we've already had a nuclear plant melt down, Jack's killed his lover's separated husband and tortured far more people than I care to count, and, as I type, a nuclear warhead is armed, launched, and flying through Iowa airspace. Don't you yearn for 24 hours of Jack Bauer's life that's NOT incredibly exciting? I feel so bad for the guy that I want to watch him take 24 hours OFF. Eat a nice meal... maybe catch a movie... spend family time with his incredibly attractive daughter (who's been MIA this whole season!)

"Lost" is almost done with Season 1. Also a good thing. It's starting to get TOO confusing. The decisions are coming fast and reckless on that show: Head off on a homemade raft into the middle of oceanic Nowheresville? Or stick around on the uncharted island with the polar bears, crazy French ladies, and hatchways into Hell? I think I'd take the island. Actually, I think I'd wait and see which one Kate took (she's pretty hot, even though she has a penchant for causing her lover's deaths.)

Then, and only then, can I go back to having a life. Now then, anybody have any ideas what I can do to fill my time?