COLUMN: CSI: Your Bedroom

This week's column took even me by surprise.

I was all prepped to tell you guys about the single worst retail experience of my life that coincidentally just happened last week. Don't worry, you'll probably see it next week, but I've got to put it on hold. Why? Because today I watched Today.

The Today Show is the ultimate morning comfort for the night owl like me. You see, I hate sleep. If they came out with a pill you could take and never sleep again, I'd be first in line. Every night, I fight the urge to sleep. I know it's dumb, but I just can't help it - when you're asleep, you're missin' stuff. Granted, that "stuff" is usually a 2-hour infomerical for real estate investing, but I don't care. I don't want the world to pass me by; ergo, I tend to sleep as little as possible.

The end result of this, of course, is that mornings are NOT pretty in Shane-land. Usually it takes a radio alarm clock set to appallingly evil country music to roust me from my nightly coma, and even then I'm banging the snooze button 2-3 times. There are days that I'm certain I'm still technically asleep until I'm standing in my shower. Ergo, in the wee morning hours, the last thing I want to do is think.

That's where the Today show comes in handy, because there's nothing to put your brain in neutral quite like the unholy trinity of Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, and Al Roker. Every morning, I roll out of bed and spend the next 10 minutes staring at my TV set like a zombie while Willard Scott tells me about some random person who just turned 100 but "still loves to sew!"

Then Matt gives some chef like a minute and 30 seconds to create a 6-course meal that noone on Earth can follow in such a short time. Then Al goes outside and has small talk with some of the crazy yokels gathered outside the window (who all hold vapid, unintelligent signs like "Kansas Done Loves You, Katie!" or "NBC: NETWORK'S BEST CHANNEL.") Then we cut inside to Katie, who's got a serious in-depth piece on either (a) women's fashion, or (b) a common household product that just might KILL YOU if you don't know the dangers.

Today, though, was different. This morning on Today, we were introduced to a fellow named David Vitalli. Dave's a guy who's uncovered the #1 problem facing couples today: the constant paranoia and fear that your life partner and/or soulmate is cheating on you. And Dave's got the answer.

It's just as easy as going to TruTestInc.com. That's Dave's company. He's out to ensure that couples never cheat on each other again. So what is it -- counseling? Couples therapy? Exercises designed to help build communication between partners, to allow you to open up to your signifigant other?

No, what Dave offers is basically CSI: The Home Game. Why learn to open up to your signifigant other when you can simply run chemical tests on their Fruit of the Looms to ensure they haven't been, err, pollinating other flowers, shall we say. That's right, for only $50, you too could own one of those fancy UV lights and spray-on chemicals that will prove to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you've spent WAY too much time touching a pair of dirty undies.

Folks, is this really what humanity has come to? Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to trust? Have we as a society lived in this weird world of prenuptial agreements and separate checking accounts for so long that it now requires a portable Hazmat station to prove our fidelity? The day that you're spritzing enzymes onto Little Debbie's nether-garments is the day that you need to sit back and question whether Little Debbie is the one for you or not.

But here's the best part. When you go to the TruTest website, you don't just get the sales pitch, you get the CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT! And what celebrity has shown up to tell you about the wonders of TruTest? None other than DAVID LEE ROTH. That's right, get your advice on marital fidelity from the guy who wrote "Hot for Teacher." I can imagine it now:

"Hi, folks, I'm David Lee Roth. You might remember me from my days fronting Van Halen. Fellas, I'm here to tell you about this great new product that can let you know, conclusively and beyond a shadow of scientific doubt, whether or not your wife has been sleeping with me. Boze-di-boze-dee-bop, skiddy-bop." Thanks, but if someone's going to pitch me a product about fidelity, I'd want the opinion of someone horrifically chaste. Like a nun. Or Wilford Brimley.

The point is, we should all be very, very ashamed. I suppose infidelity DOES happen in life, but it should be handled like human beings, not crime scene investigators. Leave the chemistry sets and paranoia at the door, and let Katie, Matt, and Al get back to what they do best: making me want to switch off the TV and get ready for work.