COLUMN: Mayomust

I've been called many things in life. "Go-getter" has never been one of them.

That's not to say that I have a lack of motivation. On the contrary, I'm usually highly motivated -- to do as little as possible. Nothing makes me work harder than knowing the sooner I get done, the sooner I can bellyflop onto my couch and watch alarming amounts of bad TV without interruption.

Some people claim that leading a sedentary lifestyle is bad for you. I believe these people are called "doctors." They're probably right, but there DOES exist evidence to the contrary. Three weekends ago, I got off my butt, went to a trivia night like a normal active human being, and ended up tumbling off a step and bruising my foot to kingdom come. Had I remained safely on my couch, no harm would have come to me except eye strain and moderate brain damage from watching seven episodes of Ghost Adventures back to back to back. Say what you will about couches, but it's tough to fall down stairs while you're sitting on them.

"You can't stay in shape unless you get off the couch, Shane." Untrue. You DO stay in shape. It's just a round and squishy shape.

Okay, so I'm probably not the ideal role model for how to live your life. One day soon, I'll be motivated enough to change that, promise. For now, though, I've got a foot to elevate, which gives me the perfect excuse for a few more days of guilt-free laziness. In fact, it's a good time to sit back and take stock in everything around me that makes life easier.

Has there ever been a greater advancement in modern laziness than the invention of the dishwasher? Think about it. Once upon a time, a team of scientists and engineers could have spent their precious time on Earth curing disease, eradicating famine, or answering any of life's mysteries. Instead, they came together and focused on the most pressing problem in all of society: those ten annoying minutes after every meal when we have to stand there and rinse off our kitchenware. God bless those legends of science.

We take so much for granted. I have a robot that does my dishes. I have two more that wash and dry my clothes. Magical machines heat and cool our food. But the machine sometimes takes too long to heat my food (waaah!), so I went out and bought a machine that heats food really, really fast (and sometimes blows it up when you forget to poke holes in it.)

I can roll over right now, yell a command at an always-attentive robot named Alexa, and instantly watch any TV show or listen to any music I fancy. Remember those days when you had to walk all the way to the DVD player to play a movie? HOW DID WE SURVIVE?

When it comes to new and exciting ways to do less with your life, consumerism can be our friend. But sometimes, it can take things too far. I'm talking to you, Heinz Corporation.

As Americans, and especially Americans who live in the Midwest, we all love a good burger, right? Even the vegetarians I know always cheer when someone figures out a new way to turn non-meat into meat-like patties you can throw on a grill. But our love for burgers comes with a unique hardship that we all must suffer through. I speak, of course, about the precious time and energy it takes to apply separate layers of ketchup, mustard, and mayo. Yes, the burden of condiment application is a Herculean task that has plagued our fragile Earth for far too long. There has to be a better way.

Thanks to the good folks at Heinz, our worries are over. Earlier this year, they released a series of new products onto supermarket shelves that take all our condiments and mixes them together into squeeze bottles of unimaginable horror: Mayochup, Mayocue, and best of all, Mayomust. Look, I'm the laziest person I know, and even I'll say it: if you need to buy pre-blended mayonnaise and mustard, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Is there a less appealing name for any product anywhere than "Mayomust"? It sounds like something you should be treated for, not eat. I suppose their hands were a bit tied. "Mustaise" sounds like something you apply to your basement after a flood and "Mayotard" just sounds like a hate crime. But perhaps the failure of the names to merge in any appetizing form should have been a clue that mayonnaise and mustard should never be stirred together.

If you're looking for creamy mustard, I'm pretty sure it already exists and it's called dijon -- and you don't procure that in a supermarket. As we all know, you simply pull your Rolls-Royce up to another Rolls-Royce and politely ask the elderly gent for some Grey Poupon. I don't personally know any of the folks who make Rock Island's legendary and delicious Boetje's Mustard, but I'm going to guess the threat of competition from Mayomust didn't leave them quaking in their boots.

I'm all for making life easier -- but not at the expense of a good burger. If Mayomust is your thing, more power to you. But please know that you ARE weird -- and your support of this product will inevitably lead to a future world where instead of grilling out, we're just going to have a squeeze bottle that goops out a mushy mix of beef, onion, and pickles onto a bun. It will probably be pumpkin spice flavored. You've been warned.

Now, if you'll excuse me, all of this typing has really worn me out. Alexa, close Windows and play Ghost Adventures.