COLUMN: Youtube

Everyone needs a hobby. I've got a few.

I love music. I love driving around aimlessly and seeing new places. I go to movies, restaurants, and concerts. I like auto racing. I like spending time with friends, listening to podcasts, and playing with cats.

But this past month, I've been nursing an injured foot that's turned me into even more of a hermitic couch-dweller than usual. For a while there, my biggest hobby was playing frostbite roulette with an icepack. That's when I developed a new passion: Youtube. Yes, in front of me sits a television capable of receiving 236 channels programmed by, written by, and starring people whose sole job is to entertain me -- while I instead choose to watch random snots with GoPros filming their version of "entertainment." (Spoiler alert: most of the time, it's not.)

The days of burying time capsules for future generations is over. Instead, I hope there'll be an archive of Youtube clips somewhere. That way, our children's children's children can look back, examine the evidence, and come to the natural conclusion that life in the 2010's consisted mainly of makeup tips, dumping ice over your own head, dancing to Drake, and watching other people play video games.

Thanks to the miracle of Youtube, you can watch the new Billie Eilish video. Then you can watch other people watching the new Billie Eilish video. Then you can watch Billie Eilish watching other people watch the new Billie Eilish video (seriously). What's HAPPENED to our world?

But Youtube really is amazing. You name the topic, there's channels and clips for it. If you want to watch lizards, there's a channel for you. If you want to watch Elizabeth Warren, there's a channel for you. If you want to watch a guy tell you that Elizabeth Warren is secretly a lizard working with the Illuminati to hide the fact that the Earth is flat, there's a channel for you. There's videos to love, videos to hate, and videos you love to hate. But what does Youtube have to say about OUR neck of the woods?

I've fallen down some deep online rabbitholes before, but never had I attempted what I just did: an entire evening of searching Youtube for "Quad Cities," "Davenport," "Moline," etc. The results were staggering, and I've learned much.

To be precise, I've learned that:

• Way too many people own drones. I've seldom seen drones flying around the Quad Cities, but it's clear they are. In fact, Youtube is home to dozens and dozens of soundless scenic aerial videos shot from drones flying above our downtowns, bridges, and flooded rivers. And they're all super duper boring. The only fun thing is trying to date the videos by whether or not you can see my car parked in the lot of our old downtown Moline office. I miss that place.

• People like trains waaaay too much. Look, I get it. Trains are cool, I guess. They're a vital part of our nation's history and infrastructure. They were also my dad's employer and a vital part of my financial well-being. But I don't really get the appeal of standing next to railroad tracks filming every car of a seventeen-minute-long coal train, let alone watching someone else's video of it. If you're into trains like I'm into music, you're as weird as me. But I'm also kind of jealous of you railfans out there. When I get stopped by a train, I'd love to feel joy and fascination instead of my usual response, which is to swear like a sailor and make exasperated sighs to no one at all.

On a side note, there's also an alarming number of videos out there of people sneaking onto freight trains and filming themselves free-riding to who-knows-where. This is just especially stupid. For one, here's a pro tip: when committing a crime, you should probably switch your camera to the "off" position. I'm all for the occasional act of rebellion, but if you think freighthopping is cool, I'll let my dad tell you the story about how he once had to helplessly watch a freeloader get decapitated. Use your head, don't lose your head, people.

• Fifteen years from now, there's going to be a lot of Quad Citians REALLY embarassed that their parents put their dance recitals online for all to see.

But I also found some real gems.

Search Youtube for "Davenport police" and you'll find a promo video from 1965 showing off the cutting-edge police technology of the time (radios! meter maids!) as well as some amazing shots of yesteryear Davenport.

I stumbled into a series of videos from street evangelists ministering and scolding Quad City pedestrians and passersby. To each their own, and I'm all for freedom of speech and religion, but they all come off a little self-righteous and mean-spirited to me. But then I discovered that there's another street evangelist in Oregon who takes issue with the street evangelists in the Quad Cities and there's a whole series of response videos and a Biblical battle royale I never knew existed. Fascinating stuff.

I've been at it for hours. I've seen everything from rap battles to cemetery tours. I've seen tornados in Davenport and UFOs over Moline. But I also found a clear winner - my favorite local video on all of Youtube. It's simply called "Cruisin' in Davenport" uploaded by a user called "OLDSCHOOLNEVERDIES". It has 546 views - well, now proudly 547. And it's just a fixed camera on the dash of what I believe to be a vintage Lincoln Town Car as it drives around the Quad Cities at night blaring all 6 minutes and 48 glorious seconds of the vintage disco/funk jam "First Time Around" by Skyy. And that's only one of several inexplicable videos of the same car night driving around the QCA unapologetically pumping amazing disco ear candy. Dare I say, in one of the videos, he drives right past my house.

We all need hobbies to cope with and avoid the stresses of everyday life. But my life is a LOT less stressful just knowing that somewhere as I type this very sentence, an anonymous disco avenger is out cruising our streets making the Quad Cities a whole lot funkier. If you're reading this, OLDSCHOOLNEVERDIES, please know that if you ever need a co-pilot in that sweet, sweet ride, I'm always available. Forever in disco, your funky pal Shane.