COLUMN: Halftime

Dang it, guys. Bad news. The Illuminati got us again.

Every time we let our guard down a little bit and try to have some fun, those pesky Illuminati come along to spoil the party with their hidden messages, sinister brainwashing, and New World Order oligarchy. It's getting a little tiresome.

Good thing the ever-vigilant watchdog known as the internet is here to protect us all.

The anonymous warriors of the internet have saved us with their teachings on many an occasion. Were it not for them, we'd have never known the world was flat. We'd have no clue that NASA faked the moon landings. That the only person who DIDN'T kill JFK was Oswald and the only person who didn't kill Epstein was Epstein. But more than anything, the internet wants to remind us that the world is secretly controlled by a shadow government known as the Illuminati. Their intentions are evil, their minions are everywhere, and they may even be shape-shifting reptilians from another dimension. And they're at it again.

Like many of you, I enjoyed the Super Bowl halftime show this year. Jennifer Lopez and Shakira wowed fans with a Miami celebration of Latin flavor, energized dance moves, and if an internet video this week from the Illuminati watchdog group Hacking the Headlines is to be believed, an unwitting indoctrination into the occult. 

"As many of you know, halftime shows are nothing but giant occult rituals in plain sight," the video begins, and there's oh-so-much evidence. The stage was bathed in red, the color of the occult. The dancefloor was a circle, just like the ancient ritual circles where demonic spells were cast. When the dancers formed a pyramid? That represented "the ladder of Freemasonry illuminated by the light of Lucifer." When J-Lo showed up atop a pink spire, that was clearly a celebration of abortions. The gold and silver costumes represented the ancient rites of alchemy, Shakira's rope dancing symbolized the binding power of dark magic, and the overall theme of the performance was that "Lucifer is the lightbearer coming to awaken the world."

Wow, and I just thought it was fun booty-shaking. I guess we shouldn't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still Jenny from the Block. It's just that the Block in question is the fundamental building block of mankind's downfall. I never suspected Jennifer Lopez to be an agent of the Illuminati. Bummer.

But none of this evidence really implicates J-Lo or Shakira. It's all about their costumes and dance moves. Given the evidence at hand, I think there's only one obvious conclusion to draw: CHOREOGRAPHERS ARE EVIL. The real Illuminati aren't politicians or J-Lo shaking her booty. They're the people who design these stages and teach J-Lo HOW to shake her booty. Could the world secretly be run by choreographers? It would sure explain why "Dancing with the Stars" hasn't been cancelled yet.

Obviously I have a journalistic duty to expose this evil cabal of choreography, so I immediately asked for an interview with Parris Goebel, the New Zealand dancer responsible for this year's halftime show. And I was immediately told -- wait, let me look up the exact wording here -- "no." WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D EXPECT A REPTILIAN SATANIST TO SAY. Clearly she has something to hide.

With Ms. Goebel unwilling to go on record, I turned to my next best source: Chicago-area Zumba instructor Jessica Spicer Banaszek, because she's clearly a key player in this Latin dance cabal conspiracy and NOT because she's an old college friend willing to play along. My interrogation was brutal.

SB: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TEACHING ZUMBA DANCE FITNESS? AND AS A FOLLOWUP, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN EVIL?

JB: I've been teaching for almost nine years. My sinister ways started long before that.

SB: WHY IS LAMBADA "THE FORBIDDEN DANCE"? IS FREEMASONRY INVOLVED?

JB: I could tell you, but it's forbidden.

SB: WHERE IS THE SECRET LOCATION YOU ALL MEET TO PLOT YOUR RHYTHMIC OCCULT TAKEOVER OF THE WORLD? AND DOES THAT LOCATION NEED A DJ BECAUSE I WORK CHEAP.

JB: There is a convention of all things Zumba and dance fitness in Orlando every July. 8000 of us descend on International Drive and whoop it up in bright devilish clothing. 

SB: ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN, AN INTERDIMENSIONAL LIZARD PERSON?

JB: I've been told I move like a snake. Close enough. 

SB: HOW IS POSSIBLE FOR SHAKIRA TO DECEIVE THE WORLD WHEN WE ALL KNOW HER HIPS DON'T LIE?

JB: She is one of the supreme goddesses we regularly worship, that's how. My altar consists of Colombian coffee beans, finger cymbals, and henna.

SB: IS ABBY JO MILLER YOUR LEADER? ARE THE ILLUMINATI *ALL* DANCE MOMS, OR JUST SOME OF THEM?

JB: No dance moms. They are more forbidden than lambada. Our leader is Beto Perez (not Beto from Texas, but I bet he's a hell of a dancer.)

SB: SINCE THE JIG IS UP, PLEASE EXPLAIN THE OCCULT SYMBOLISM OF "JAZZ HANDS."

JB: Jazz hands are a warning to our fellow dancers that an interloper is afoot. I'm doing it right now. We're on to you.

SB: If you assign a numeric value to every letter in ZUMBA (26, 21, 13, 2, 1) and add them, you get 63. 6+3=9, which is an unlucky number in Japan because their word for "nine" sounds similar to their word for "torture," and we all know that Zumba IS torture. Moreover, if you fold a $100 bill nine specific ways, some say the wrinkles on the forehead of Ben Franklin spell "KING OF ZUMBA." Am I onto something here?

JB: I'd be happy to discuss over a mug of our special Zumba elixir. How do you feel about blindfolds and confined spaces? Just wondering.

SB: Now that I've exposed your culty occultness to the world and thwarted your plans, what's the future hold?

JB: Like Britney says, I'll be dancing til the world ends.

Stay vigiliant, dear readers, lest the rhythm is gonna get you.