COLUMN: Rosario

Normally I shy away from politics in this column for one simple reason: you people rely on my expertise too much. As a beloved and cherished cultural icon, I know how much my opinion must mean to you all. An endorsement from Shane would clearly be a golden ticket to the White House for whomever I bestowed such an honor upon. For me to openly support a candidate just wouldn't be fair to the other campaigns. 

But the heck with it. You've pressured me long enough, and I'm willing to share ONE nugget of political wisdom with you all. After having weighed all the options and studied everyone's platforms, I can safely issue one proclamation: of all the candidates running for President of our great land, Cory Booker's girlfriend smells the nicest.

Okay, maybe no one cares what I think. That's probably a good thing, because I'm not very politically minded. If I were enough of a journalist to merit an interview with an actual presidential candidate, I'd probably just ask them about their favorite band. Worse yet, I'd probably vote based on their answer.

Still, I like to stay informed. Living a stone's throw from Iowa gives us a chance to see most of the major candidates as they inevitably stump through town. So when opportunity presented itself last weekend to check out both Cory Booker and Pete Buttigieg in the same day, I was in.

Up first was our paper's forum with Cory Booker at St. Ambrose University. It was great to pull up a bench and see a candidate in such an intimate setting. Little did I know how intimate things were about to get. All it took was a tap on my shoulder to wreck my world.

"Excuse me? Can I share this seat?"

"No problem," I whispered, before turning around and dying a little inside. Thus begins the story of how I spent an hour sharing a bench with Rosario Dawson. THE Rosario Dawson. In all the hubbub of Booker's appearance, I had completely forgotten he and the A-list actress were dating. I sure didn't expect her to be schlumping across Iowa with him. I assumed she had more, well, Hollywood-y things to do. 

What followed was an insightful hour of policy discussion, probing questions, and deep dialogue about the state of our nation. At least I think it was. People occasionally clapped, and I clapped along with them. Truth be told, I was only catching about every other sentence. Okay, truth REALLY be told, Cory Booker could have been advocating for the murder of toddlers and I would've absent-mindedly clapped along. My brain had other agendas:

OMG OMG ROSARIO DAWSON JUST TOUCHED ME. ROSARIO DAWSON IS SITTING NEXT TO ME. Someone who was once in a Tarantino film is sitting next to me. She KNOWS Tarantino. I wonder what Tarantino's like? Wait, who cares about Tarantino, IT'S ROSARIO DAWSON. Should I turn around and look at her? I should totally look at her. Wait, don't look at her. You'll look psychotic. I don't care, I'm doing it. Here I go, I'm caaaasually turning around.

OMG I LOOKED AT HER. SHE LOOKED BACK AT ME, SMILED, AND WAVED. I just made eye contact with Rosario Dawson. We are clearly now friends and she will soon ask me to co-star in "Rent 2." Shut up brain, stop it. You're a grown adult. Stop geeking out. Yes, she's a famous actress. So what? She's just a person. Except better. I want to look at her again. DON'T LOOK AT HER AGAIN. LOOK AT ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

See? There's Todd Mizener, our paper's marketing director, with his trusty camera. I wonder if he got a picture of us. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let him have gotten a picture of us. I AM NOW SENDING PSYCHIC VIBES TO TODD MIZENER TO TAKE OUR PICTURE. Please, Todd, please. Wait, everyone's clapping. I should clap, too. Oh wait, Rosario is snapping her fingers instead of clapping because she's just that cool. Should I snap instead of clap? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SNAP MY FINGERS!

Okay, Shane. Get ahold of yourself. You're starting to sweat. Focus on what Cory Booker is saying. Something about education. Yes, Cory Booker, education is very important. God, she really does smell fantastic. Wait, if I can smell her, CAN SHE SMELL ME? Do I smell bad? Oh GOD, I had a hot dog at lunch. DO I HAVE HOT DOG BREATH? Am I sitting next to Rosario Dawson while she regrets sitting down with HOT DOG GUY?

Uh oh, my phone's vibrating. Let me just nonchalantly slide it out of my pocket and OMG ITS TODD TEXTING ME A PICTURE OF ME & ROSARIO. He knows me too well. Maybe I AM psychic! I'm SO stoked he got a picture of... NOOOO! She looks like a goddess and I look like a warthog. TODD, YOU HAVE TO GET A BETTER PIC. Can I casually text that to him? Let me try.. annnnd I just dropped my phone. Smooth, Shane.

Focus up. You have a task at hand. When this event ends, everyone's going to clap. And then you will have thirty golden seconds in which you can commence small talk with one of your favorite actresses. It has to be something suave. It has to be something you can tell ALL your friends about. It has to be PERFECT. And it certainly can't be about politics because you've only listened to about 20% of what Cory's been saying. Wait, he just wrapped up. Everyone's clapping. This is it, Shane. This is your moment. Don't dream it, be it. 

And that is when I turned to People's Choice Award nominee Rosario Dawson and said the following:

"HA HA HA THAT WAS WEIRD LIKE SITTING NEXT TO YOU! I'M A BIG FAN! YOU'RE GREAT! GO CORY! THIS IS SO WEIRD HA HA!"

At which point, MTV Movie Award nominee and "Men In Black 2" star Rosario Dawson looked at me and said:

"I hope not bad weird?"

To which I suavely replied:

"NOT BAD WEIRD! DEFINITELY GOOD WEIRD! HA HA HA, I'M WEIRD! IT WAS GREAT TO MEET YOU, WE HAVE TO GO NOW, YOU'RE SO COOL, BYEEEEE!"

And then I left before hyperventilating into a sea of embarassment. Ten minutes later, we were across town watching Pete Buttigieg, who was equally inspiring. I still don't know who I'll be voting for in the coming elections. For the record, I did NOT share a bench with Pete's husband Chasten, but in fairness, I bet he smells okay, too.