COLUMN: Twas 2.0

 

'Twas the month before Christmas, and all through the halls

Not a creature was stirring; they're all at the malls.

The stockings were hung by the chimney last week,

Even though it's November; I sure want to shriek.

Children everywhere nestle snug in their beds,

While visions of Fortnite toys dance in their heads;

And I with my checkbook, about to be fleeced,

Have yet to sit down for my Thanksgiving feast.

At cooking I'm still what they call a 'beginner',

Which explains tonight's Salisbury steak TV dinner.

In front of the TV, I plopped like a brute,

grabbed the remote and I took it off 'mute'.

I flipped past Netflix and ESPN

before settling in on a rerun of "Friends."

When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,

but ad after ad after ad... oh, dear.

As commercials flew by me so lively and quick,

I thought for a minute I was gonna be sick.

More rapid than eagles, the endorsements they came

Filling my head with a thousand brand names:

"Shop Wal-Mart! Watch Hallmark! Visit Bed, Bath, Beyond!

Shop Northpark! Shop Southpark!" Me? I just yawned.

Yuletide ads in November are such a pet peeve

I'd rather be lazy and not shop til Christmas Eve.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

Cash flows from my hands in the blink of an eye.

I need presents for Mom, Dad, and my three cats so hairy,

And the gift exchange at work, which is always quite scary.

So even though Christmas is really not near,

Let's set up our trees and our plastic reindeer.

These greedy retailers are likely the reason

Why one day in December became a "holiday season."

These ads make me want to stomp, pout, cry, and yell,

But it's too late; we're already under their spell.

We buy all their toys, clothes, and perfumes so smelly,

And gift sets with miniature jars full of jelly.

So go wait in line; enjoy your Black Friday riot,

And buy Christmas sweets that'll ruin your diet,

Buy gift after gift 'til you hurt your bad back,

And wish you took to the mall a mule you could pack.

Christmas time is for families to be jolly and merry

Like an Afterschool Special or "Little House on the Prairie"

But we don't have time to go play in the snow,

We're too busy spending what's left of our dough.

See, the networks want us in a shopping mood

So they air holiday specials until we're all screwed.

Our shopping habits they try hard to hasten

It's November and I've already seen Rudolph in Claymation.

I suppose that I probably shouldn't complain

About this month-long holiday shopping campaign.

This Christmas bastardization doesn't give me any thrills;

But I work for a newspaper -- those ads pay my bills.

So I'll keep my yap shut and stop this lampoon,

Until one day Christmas sales start up mid-June.

And I say to you all with just a hint of fright,

"Merry Thanks-mas-O'ween, and to all a good night!"

(My first take on this originally appeared in our late great Iowa paper, The Leader, where I got my start back in 2004. It deserved a revamp with some tweaks. This will forever be dedicated to the great Brian Nelson, whose rhyming skills and booming voice in our hallways is missed to this day.)