Like most of our holidays this year, Halloween 2020 seems much less Halloweeny than usual -- with one glaring exception.
Every time I turn on the TV this week, some random horror movie's been playing. This is NOT what our psyches need right now, is it? This year's been horrifying enough, thanks much. I don't need to augment all the endless fun of 2020 with a cavalcade of slasher flicks. When I turn the TV on in our "new normal," I don't want death and dismemberment. I mostly just wanna laugh and be reminded there's still good in the world.
Yesterday, I flicked on cable in search of a dumb escapist comedy to take my mind off things. Instead, I was greeted with some ill-fated teenager losing his head, quite literally and quite graphically. I changed the channel in a heartbeat, so I'm not sure if it was Jason, Freddie, Michael Myers, Leatherface, or Pinhead. I suppose I'm just grateful it wasn't CNN.
But I'm nothing if not a TV junkie, which means I've spent much of October channel flipping through countless summer campers meeting increasingly gruesome fates. I didn't think it was affecting me until the other night. I had a horrible nightmare that someone was breaking into my home. I woke up in a cold sweat shaking and sat up in bed to discover an intruder lunging at me with a knife. That's when I woke up AGAIN, this time for real. When your subconscious starts writing twist endings to your nightmares, it's high time to either shut the TV off or switch it to the Great British Baking Show, where the most terrifying thing you'll experience is dough that doesn't rise (the horror!)
Still, subjecting oneself to dumb horror movies isn't without its merits. I'm pretty sure these films can teach us all some valuable life lessons in 2020:
* Never ever split up from your friends. "Social distancing" does NOT mean "I should walk home through these dark woods alone." You have not improved your odds.
* Stay away from dolls. They're bad news. I've never seen a movie where a doll comes to life and saves the day. Even Pinocchio was a liar.
* Don't ever pick on nerds or losers. You never know who might be harboring telekinetic powers, homicidal tendencies, or both. Leave them be.
* When it comes to real estate, research before you buy. If the previous owner left because they wanted a split-level in the suburbs, you're probably fine. If the previous owner left because the walls occasionally drip blood, that might be a red flag. Also, be sure to check that your dream home wasn't built atop a former cemetery.
* Speaking of cemeteries, don't ever bury your pet in one. It might not end well.
* If you heroically kill a homicidal maniac, KEEP KILLING THEM. They're not dead. They're never dead. If you turn your back in jubilation, you're toast. If you're lucky enough to escape, KEEP RUNNING. Trust me, they're RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
* Should you find yourself in an encounter with a space alien, they are NOT there to make friends and impart upon you the wisdom of the galaxies. They're most likely there to eat you. You should run.
* And if one of those aliens gets too close, be wary. That rumble in your tummy a few days later might NOT be indigestion. You might not need a Tums. You might need an interstellar OB/GYN, stat.
* If your television starts speaking to you DIRECTLY, it's troubling. Go to the light.
* Stay out of the water, like, always. Even the shower. Actually, especially the shower.
* The job market can be tough. But if your choices are between sewer maintenance or becoming the lone caretaker of a mountain hotel during the long snowbound winter, opt for the sewers. Actually, I take that back. Opt to remain unemployed.
* If you seek advice from a kindly bartender and he encourages you to kill your family, you're probably in that mountain hotel and should leave pronto.
* When a clown offers you a balloon, just say no. Especially if you meet said clown in the sewers mentioned above. Leave sewer clowns be.
* ALL children are evil, even the cute pale ones who live in the corn. Avoid children at all costs. If you're unfortunate enough to have birthed one, it wants to kill you. If you've adopted one, they're secretly 40 years old and also want to kill you. If your child has an imaginary friend, it is NOT imaginary and it DEFINITELY wants to kill you.
* If YOU are a child, you may want to ensure that your mother is not a jackal. Trust me, that's a bad omen. Also, no matter how annoying your mom gets, avoid mummifying her and placing her in a rocking chair upstairs. It creeps out the neighbors.
* NEVER be the one who says "I'll check it out." Scary noises are scary for a reason. Stay in bed.
* But DON'T fall asleep.
* And remember, there is NEVER a good enough reason to spend the night in an abandoned mansion, no matter how much money you're being promised or how cool your TikTok videos would be.
Follow that advice and you'll probably be safe. You'll also probably be a neurotic paranoid isolationist afraid to leave your house -- but aren't we ALL this year? As for defeating the REAL horrors of Halloween? Well, that's up to each of us on Tuesday. Happy voting and be safe. See you on the other side.
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