Nope.
There's obviously two reasons why I wanted to be a columnist: (1) To score a hot babe, and (2) make gobs and gobs of money. I think I just did both.
If, that is, a certain message I just received on Facebook is true. And who can we trust if not a complete stranger on the internet? I've read it five times now, and it seems super legitimate:
"HI SEXY!"
(Already we're off to a rollicking and completely accurate start.)
"My name is Ewarto Sawadogo."
(Umm. Okay, I'll never fault anyone for the name they were given. That said, this is NOT the sexiest array of vowels and consonants I have ever come across.)
"And I believes you is my SOULMATE. I am 26 years old woman --"
(Folks, Ewarto is HOT. Based on her profile photo, she's a dead ringer for pop songstress Ariana Grande. In fact, I'm pretty sure the photo she provided IS Ariana Grande, especially given the fact that's she's standing on the red carpet at the Grammy Awards. Or perhaps this simply proves Ewarto is a fan of music like myself. Who am I to question my soulmate?)
"-- from Moldova."
(Wait, is that a real place? Or is that the fake country from Dynasty where they shot up the royal wedding in that big cliffhanger finale? Hang on, I need to check... Okay, Moldova IS a real place. Moldavia is the one from Dynasty. Whew.)
"I have searched the internets for my one true love, and I have finally founded you."
(Took you long enough.)
"I can see from your recent posts that you are good handsome man of high virtue worthy of my affections."
(My last three Facebook posts: 1. a picture of my cat. 2. a review of the movie "Dune." 3. a post that says, and I quote, "I'm sooo bored. Anyone wanna hang out?")
"My father runs powerful candy company."
(Wait, IS YOUR DAD WILLY WONKA? Or Willy, umm, Sawadogo?)
"But he has been accused of crime he did not commit"
(Umm, just what kind of saga am I stepping into here? I'm down for the soulmate stuff, but I'm not looking to reenact "The Fugitive" here. Just my luck that I find my soulmate and she's, like, a member of the A-Team.)
"I am coming to America to escape jurisdiction of the World Police"
(Oh dear! Not the dreaded "World Police!" So wait, you're being chased by GLOBAL authorities? My soulmate is an international fugitive? And you want to come HERE? What about Candy Dad? Is he coming, too? There's only so much room in my house. I want to chew gum in peace without a dozen Oompa-Loompas popping out to sing me a lecture. We need to discuss logistics.)
"Please if you has love for me like I has love for you, help me. I need to protect father's 3.4 US MILLION DOLLARS in United States bank account where World Police cannot steal."
(I think I see where this is going. You look exactly like Ariana Grande, you're inexplicably in love with me despite having never met me, AND you're vastly wealthy with unlimited access to European candy? I'M THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.)
"Do you has a bank account where we can put money and begin new life together?"
(Sure. In full disclosure, last week someone hacked my debit card and used it to rack up $124 in Amazon charges, but I'm pretty sure it's safe. We can probably fit an extra 3.4 US MILLION DOLLARS in there. No problem.)
"I am devoted to you and cannot wait to hold you in my arm."
(Note: Singular. "Arm.")
So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, please assume that I'm securing my future with my one-armed soulmate who may or may not be pop sensation Ariana Grande and possibly her fugitive candy baron father. So far, this is turning out to be a decent week.
I tried writing her back, but her profile had strangely been deactivated (curse you, World Police!) But I trust that my sweet Ewarto and our 3.4 US MILLION DOLLARS are en route. You're all invited to the wedding. There will be candy.
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