COLUMN: Best of 2021 - TV

For 364 years out of the year, I regret wasting a measurable percentage of my life in front of the TV, living life vicariously through fictional people with lives far more interesting than my own. But for ONE magical day, I can pretend that I live a life NOT wasted. You see, the ridiculous amount of time I spend on my couch isn't wasted -- no, it's the sacrifice I make in order to provide the greatest of all possible public service: sharing my favorite shows of the year so that you, too, might fall lure to their charms and be as unproductive as me.

#5 - Only Murders in the Building (Hulu) - I went into this show with low expectations and rolled eyes. Despite its buzz and acclaim, I've always had a limited tolerance for Martin Short. For as lovely a person as he seems to be, his over-the-top schtick can be a bit much. But the charm of this show easily outweighs the hammy tendencies of Short, who manages to rein it this time around. "Murders in the Building" stars Short, Steve Martin, and Selena Gomez as a trio of true crime podcast devotees who launch their own project when a resident of their apartment building suffers an untimely end. It's a loving send-up to the kind of magical New York City living that may now only exist in fiction. The apartment building and its cast of residents/suspects becomes the real star of the show, along with an entertaining array of plot twists, red herrings, and smarter-than-average writing. 

#4 - The Beatles: Get Back (Disney+) - In 1969, the Beatles allowed camera crews to follow them through the creative process that eventually became their last-released album, "Let It Be." While the resulting rooftop performance became the legendary "Let It Be" concert film, hours and hours of filmed rehearsals and behind-the-scenes footage had never seen the light of day until now, when Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson painstakingly went through it all and edited the highlights into this new multi-part documentary. For mega-fans, it's a treasure trove of insight and wonder. But even passing fans of the Beatles will marvel as songs like "Get Back" and "Something" arise from spontaneous rehearsal noodling. This honest and unfiltered gem of a documentary shows that the Fab Four were, at their heart, just four guys trying to make some solid tunes. And to see their humanity, arguments, and laughter only makes their feats all the more magical.    

#3 - The Great British Baking Show (Channel 4 UK/Netflix) - When the fad of reality TV started up with shows like "Survivor" and "Big Brother," it seemed like an interesting diversion from the norm. But as networks quickly realized the popularity and financial payoffs of low-cost reality programmatic, the market became flooded with hundreds of shows promising looks at supposed "real life." But here's the thing about real life: it's often really, really boring. That's why the landscape of so-called "reality TV" quickly became the breeding ground for cutthroat competition, "real" housewives, and a laundry list of horrible people being as horrible as possible for laughs and ratings. But if nobody wants to see actual real people getting along, don't tell that to "The Great British Baking Show," a cooking competition that's actually fun and inspiring. Nobody gets in fisticuffs or shouting matches, the contestants all help one another out, and the positivity that springs forth is contagious. There's no grand prize (other than a fancy engraved plate) other than pride and the joy of cooking. It's the TV equivalent of a hug from your grandma, and it's the kind of medicine we all needed this year.

#2 - Ted Lasso (Apple TV) - My favorite line in Ted Lasso comes in the very first episode, when the owner of the struggling AFC Richmond soccer club asks, "Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?" This causes the crimally optimistic coach to reply, "I do -- but more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves." Season 2 might not be as optimistic as those epic debut episodes, as we begin to learn that Coach Lasso's inhumanly sunny disposition is likely a defense mechanism against the fears and insecurities that plague him. Still, the show's central mission statement that good trumps evil and that hostility should be faced with compassion and humility continues to make "Ted Lasso" essential viewing in this age of division and fear. It's the vaccine we should all agree to take this year.

#1 - Mare of Easttown (HBO). I didn't want to love this show. It's dour, bleak, and unforgiving in its painting of life in small-town impoverished Pennsylvania. But its also captivating beyond words. I initially expected it to be little more than Emmy-bait for star Kate Winslet (and she deserves ALL of the awards, trust me.) But beyond Winslet's flawless performance of a deeply flawed character is a multi-layered and unapologetically real look at how grief can affect both an individual and a community. And beyond THAT is a murder mystery stunning in depth and detail, with stand-out supporting performances from Evan Peters, Jean Smart, and newcomer Angourie Rice. It doesn't leave you with a good taste in your mouth, but its a gourmet meal nonetheless. It's the best show on TV this year by a WIDE margin.

With that, we enter a new year of doubt, uncertainty, and the continued divisions that plague our world (not to mention an ACTUAL plague thrown in for good measure.) But if 2021 was any indication, nothing will stop great art. Have a wonderful new year. I'll probably spend mine in front of the TV.   

COLUMN: Best of 2021 - Music

As a life-long card-carrying music nerd, there's a few things you can always be sure of. If you're in my car, I will definitely play bands you've never heard of and tell you WAY more about them than you ever cared to know. I will always be up for a debate with fellow audiophiles on the internet and within the magical confines of the nearest record shop. And every December, like the swallows returning to Capistrano, I will tell you my picks for the best albums of the year.

Long ago, I predicted the only silver lining of the pandemic would be the beautiful art that springs forth from creators in lockdown. 2021 didn't let me down. There were lots of stellar releases this year, but here's five that stood out.

#5 - FRED AGAIN - Actual Life I & II

Fred Gibson has spent the past few years as one of England's most in-demand record producers, working with artists like Shawn Mendes, BTS, and Ed Sheeran. But at the urging of his friend and mentor, the legendary Brian Eno, Gibson used the pandemic downtime to take a stab at his own material. What started as a time-killing project morphed into a two-volume collection of dance anthems, introspective ambience, and an audio diary that encapsulates the highs and lows of a year in isolation. If you think it's incapable for electronic music to have heart and soul, try this record on for size and heed and its closing words, "I know there's been a lot of reasons to stop / I pray you haven't done that." 

#4 - WET LEG - Assorted Singles

All you need to know about Wet Leg is the first comment that comes up under their Youtube page: "This song is so effortlessly cool I'd be scared to talk to it at a party." In fact, Wet Leg are SO effortlessly cool that I'm including them even though their actual debut album isn't scheduled to drop until April 2022. But the four singles they released this year stand so strong, they merit mention in any end-of-year wrap up. Seemingly from out of nowhere (the Isle of Wight, actually,) Wet Leg lit up hipster dancefloors with quirky angular guitar licks and non-sensical playful innuendo. Musically, it's as if French art students tried to become the B-52s by way of the Pixies. And they dress like Amish milkmaids with lobster hands because of course they do. Even in a lousy year, it's good to see the kids still know how to have fun.

#3 - BLEACHERS - Take the Sadness Out Of Saturday Night

Jack Antonoff is arguably the most sought-after producer in the world right now. But the man responsible for shaping the sound of Taylor Swift, Lorde, and Lana Del Ray shines brightest on his own material -- or at least he sure tries. Every Bleachers song tries to be a grandiose DIY anthem of low-budget studio wizardry. It works more often than you'd expect. On this, his third Bleachers release, Antonoff's entered what can only be described as his "Springsteen phase." The record is born to run from start to finish, including a guest appearance from the Boss himself, which must be every Jersey musician's dream. Like every Antonoff album, it's the sound of pure ambition and purposeful over-reaching.

#2 - SUSTO - Time in the Sun

Susto's Justin Osborne is known for being a straight-shooter, a master of simple and honest songwriting that leaves little to the imagination. With this record being crafted in a pandemic while dealing with the death of his father and birth of his child, it's no surprise that Osborne cuts to the quick, with titles like "Life is Suffering" and "God of Death." But, like all Susto records, the frank lyrics are still cloaked in an overriding optimism and hope for the future. Susto's always wonderful melange of Laurel Canyon by way of Cuba and the Carolina coast is in full effect here, providing an eclectic and electric mix of folk Americana to lift the spirits and soak your soul.

#1 - AVENUE BEAT - The Debut Farewell Album

It's not every day that a pop album turns into an honest tearjerker. The Nashville-by-way-of-Quincy-IL Avenue Beat had already caught my attention with their unique hybrid of smooth R&B and country harmonies. Struggling for attention, they capitalized on the pandemic by releasing the cathartically snarky "F2020" that quickly went viral (you can probably guess what the F stands for.) With attention finally turned their way, the trio set about recording their debut album. But halfway through, one of the members quit and the group suddenly disbanded. Rather than abandon their record entirely, the two remaining members stayed together long enough to record a heartfelt three-song coda detailing the painful end of their run. The result is a bittersweet triumph of gorgeous harmonies, whip-smart lyrics, and an ending that will break your heart clean in two. I first played this album on a solo roadtrip because I thought "F2020" was kinda cute. I wasn't expecting to spend the drive laughing, dancing, and then rolling tears. It's the sound of dreams soaring and then falling, and it's my favorite record of the year by a pop-country mile.

Honorable Mentions: There's so many other great records out there this year. Don't miss Lana Del Ray's "Chemtrails Over the Country Club"; the life-affirming beats of Sault's "Nine"; the shoegaze attack of You, Nothing's "Lonely//Lovely"; the sonic bliss of Tape Waves' "Bright"; or even the cheeky pop-metal heroism of Weezer's "Van Weezer." Here's to a musical new year, all.  

COLUMN: The Now

You know when you're coming home from a DJ gig at 3 a.m. and you're just completely wiped out and you... Sorry, what? No? You DON'T know what that's like? Ahh. Just me, then? Fair enough.

Well, last weekend, I indeed returned from a gig at 3 a.m. and was most definitely wiped. There's nothing worse than feeling exhausted but too amped up and full of tinnitus to sleep. I usually need unwinding with some mindless TV and a snack before I call it a night. So I flipped on Youtube and tuned to a channel that shows trailers to upcoming shows. That's right, when I'm not watching TV, I watch ads for things coming to TV. That's how I roll.

I was a bit surprised, though, when I saw a trailer for a mini-series called "The Now" starring Dave Franco and the legendary Bill Murray. I hadn't heard a thing about this show, so I checked it out.

It seems interesting. It's a comedy series about a guy who decides to turn his life around when he discovers he's the third member of his immediate family to have suicidal thoughts. It's directed by the Farrelly Brothers, the guys who brought us "There's Something About Mary" and "Dumb and Dumber" among others.

Then I got to the middle bit of the trailer, which showed a snippet of a police chase. It took me about thirty seconds before I grabbed the remote and re-wound it. Yep, I wasn't dreaming. The side of that car definitely said "MOLINE POLICE." And watching it again, I'm pretty sure that scene was filmed in downtown Port Byron.

Wait, is this TV show set HERE? Sure enough, "The Now" takes place in the Quad Cities.

Don't worry, you didn't miss an opportunity to hobnob with famous actors. They were never in town. The show was filmed in Vancouver -- but in order to accurately depict the Quad Cities, the Farrelly Brothers sent a secondary crew to shoot exterior footage of our area back in 2019.

Upon closer inspection, that wasn't just ANY aerial establishing shot of a quaint river town. That was an aerial establishing shot of OUR quaint river town. And what's that in the dead center frame of that shot? Yep. That's the sycamore tree in my front yard.

That's right -- my tree is a TV star.

I have but one motivation in life: to become super, deeply, mind-bogglingly famous. My time, clearly, is now. Yesterday, I was a nobody. Today, I am The Guy Who Owns That One Tree That Was On TV That One Time. I'd go outside to admire my tree, but I'm sure it's being swarmed by paparazzi as we speak.

There's so much to do.

* I clearly need to shoot a demo reel of my tree in all its glory and submit it for consideration to the Academy. In the 3.5 seconds of screen time it appeared in the trailer, it showed phenomenal depth of character. I'm pretty sure a nomination for Best Supporting Foliage might be in the cards.

* Does my tree need an agent? Do I need to get it a SAG card? The stable of working trees in Hollywood is small at best, and I will NOT let it lose any roles to Groot.

* Revenue streams need to be set up immediately. I'll see if I can get it on Cameo - for $250, my tree could wish you a happy birthday or congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials. Meanwhile, once the merch store goes live, you'll definitely be able to order a "My Family Went To See That One Tree That You Can See For 3 Seconds In That One TV Show And All I Got Was This Stinkin' T-Shirt" t-shirt.

* And what kind of manager would I be if I didn't get my new superstar involved in a lurid scandal to plaster its foliage all over the gossip pages? I already know what it's going to be. You see, there's one other actor on The Now that I didn't mention. I'm not going to outright CONFIRM that my tree is dating Pete Davidson, but I'm suspiciously not going to deny it, either. You'll have to ask Pete.

I don't know if Andy Warhol was right. Maybe not everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. But someone's tree can definitely be famous for three seconds. Go check out my tree and the rest of the Quad Cities on "The Now" streaming on Roku -- and if you do, let me know if it's any good because I do NOT have a subscription. 

COLUMN: Water Clog

The official list of Things I Am Good At Doing is fairly small. I can make a mean mixtape. I can talk your ear off about pop culture endlessly, whether you want me to or not. My editor can attest that I'm highly skilled at submitting a column longer than it should be every week. I'm gifted at stammering, not making eye contact, and running late to most occasions. That's my principal skill sets right there.

As for Things I'm Bad At Doing? Well, that list comprises pretty much everything else in life. But there's little on Earth I am worse at doing than home repairs. I am, perhaps, the least handy man on Earth. So when I woke up last Sunday to discover no hot water in my house, all I could do was scratch my head.

I'm fully aware there's a machine in my basement that takes cold water and makes it hot. I couldn't tell you how it works, but I know it's down there. But on Sunday, it wasn't as if cold water was coming out instead. No, when I switched the faucet to hot, NO water came out whatsoever anywhere in the house. The hot water heater was warm to the touch. It was doing its job. The water, however, was clearly on holiday.

Another Thing I'm Bad At Doing is taking cold showers. I steadfastly believe that showers should have a water temperature juuuust shy of skin-melting. I once dated a girl who took cold showers by choice. I'm still not entirely certain that she isn't a sociopath. Of course, I discovered this nifty quirk during an ill-fated attempt at spontaneous sexiness, when I thought I'd try to sneak in the shower with her all romantic-like. Instead, I ended up shrieking like a little girl and fleeing to the nearest towel yelling, "COLD! COLD! COLD!" Let's just add "spontaneous sexiness" to the Things I'm Bad At list. 

I had no idea what to do. Generally, when something's not working, my first instinct is to look for something broken. My second gut instinct is to poke it with a stick. Nothing seemed broken and I was fresh out of sticks. If the hot water wasn't coming out of the faucets, WHERE WAS IT GOING? I carefully perused the whole house and thankfully found none of it to be underwater. Beyond that, I was stumped. 

I needed an expert. Good thing I have one on retainer. His name is Dad.

My father built the home I grew up in from the ground up. When I bought this house, he finished my basement "for fun." He's a home improvement superstar and doesn't seem to mind that he raised a son who gets nauseous on the bottom rung of a ladder. I immediately called him for advice. "My advice," he replied, "is to sit tight. I'm on my way."

An hour later, Dad was up to save the day. If anyone could fix the situation, it was him. I watched as he confidently checked out the bathroom, the basement, the bathroom again, and the basement a second time. Eventually he came upstairs, looked me square in the eye, and said -- well, I can't tell you what he said, but I reckon you can guess how many letters it was. Not good.

After several phone calls, we landed on a plumber willing to give up his Sunday to stop by. For what it's worth, the guy was really nice and professional, and I know this because he stopped to put on little booties before walking across my carpet as if it were something far nicer than a destination for cat vomit. 

Plumber Guy wasn't as stumped as we were. He shut off the water, cut into the intake pipe, and ran a long pliable pipe cleaner down the line. In other words, he took a look at the problem -- and then proceeded to poke it with a stick. Perhaps my home improvement instincts aren't as terrible as I previously thought. It only took seconds before the pipe cleaner hit something that fell to the bottom of the water heater tank with a noticable "clank." Immediately, water started flowing again. A little soldering with a pocket blowtorch and I was back in business.

How LONG I'll be enjoying warm water remains up in the air. The hunk of ick that was clogging my line (which I am now simply referring to as "a piece of Rock Island goodness") is now enjoying a warm soak at the bottom of my hot water heater, and there's always a chance it'll get swept up in the outflow and get stuck someplace else. The only recourse other than hope is a new water heater, which, after hearing the cost of purchase and installation, I can only presume is made of solid gold with a lovely diamond inlay. I'll take my chances for now.

But I DID learn one fun thing this weekend: I can now add "EMPTYING ONE'S BANK ACCOUNT WITH AN EMERGENCY WEEKEND PLUMBER CALL" to the list of Things I'm Good At. It turns out I'm fairly skilled at handing all my money to strangers. In the meantime, if anyone needs me, I'm off to the showers.