COLUMN: Ich Spreche Deutsch

Sometimes it's good to find a new hobby. I'm just not sure I picked the right one.

I've been laying low in what will probably be a failed attempt to avoid the Omicron surge/scourge. I've already alphabetized my music collection and cleaned the basement. I'm running out of ideas to stay productive. This is usually when I give up, belly-flop on the couch, and zone out to TV and Tik Tok.

Last week, I discovered a content creator whose videos are fairly addictive. He's a random guy who happens to be conversationally fluent in over two dozen languages. He films himself walking up to foreigners and getting their reaction when he starts speaking in their native tongue. 

There's something deeply, deeply stupid in me that whenever I see someone do an impressive feat like that, my immediate response isn't to appreciate it for what it is. MY reaction is usually to say to myself, "Well, I could do that." For the record, in 99.98% of those cases, I could NEVER do that, whatever "that" is.

Regardless, I decided that night in my infinite wisdom to download an app that teaches you other languages.

When I was in high school, I took a couple language classes. I chose German for the important reason that "Rock Me Amadeus" and "99 Luftballoons" were pretty cool songs at the time. I was never good at it or anywhere close to being fluent. Upon graduation, what few German words I'd memorized fell right out of my head into a pile alongside chemistry, the rules of dodgeball, and whatever "algebra" is. 

But I'm smart, right? I should be able to pick up a new language. I decided on Spanish, a language that might actually come in handy once in a while. So I downloaded the app and set about my exciting journey of education and discovery.

I discovered things right away. Specifically, I discovered that (a) Spanish is hard, and (b) I didn't wanna learn it. Within days, I had completely abandoned Spanish and decided to try German again. I realize this makes absolutely no sense. I can't think of one possible scenario where knowledge of the German language might possibly impact my life.

But German seems way easier to learn. English and German languages are in the same family. Many English words are of Germanic origin. "To cook" in German is kochen. "To swim" is schwimmen. There's a better than average chance that if you don't know the German word for something, you can just add "-en" to the English and say it in an accent and you might be right.

Also, it turns out I didn't lose ALL of that German from high school. Some of it just ended up deep in a file cabinet back in the ol' hippocampus alongside the Pythagorean theorem, the correct way to write a cursive Q, and the lyrics to Madonna's "Vogue." As the app drilled me with German quizzes every night, I found myself constantly going, "Ohhh, I remember THAT!" 

I've been studying every night for two weeks now, and the app has taught me several useful phrases that will clearly benefit my life in untold ways. Phrases like:

- Der Bar ist schon! (The bear is beautiful!)

- Die Eule ist sehr nett! (The owl is very nice!)

- Die Pizza ist zu groB! (The pizza is too tall!)

- Das Wasser ist lecker! (The water is delicious!)

- Oh nein, das Brot ist zu lecker! (Oh no, the bread is too delicious!)

- Ja, Kanada ist cool! (Yes, Canada is cool!)   

Clearly, these are important phrases necessary to slip undetected into daily Germanic life without raising suspicion. These will be good to have in the back pocket next time I'm in Berlin faced with a loaf of bread that is problematically tasty. 

Still, it's strangely fun -- the app is encouraging and positive, and when you get phrases correct, little cartoon people in lederhosen come out and clap. There might not be much point in my learning German, but it's good brain exercise and makes me feel more accomplished than watching Tik Tok videos for two straight hours.

So I've got your back, people. The next time you find yourselves in Munich needing to complain about the height of your pizza, just call me up and put me on the phone with your waiter -- sorry, I mean your Kellner. Or just skip Germany and go to Canada instead. I hear it's pretty cool there.