COLUMN: Facebook Ban

I bet you were expecting some cutesy column about my cats or something. Tough. I don't feel like it. I do what I want when I want.

What do you guys think? I'm testing out my new bad boy persona. Is it a keeper?

All this time, I've been under the impression that I'm a nice guy and a relatively decent human being. How wrong I was. As it turns out I'm a full-fledged miscreant. A rebel without a cause. A villainous na'er-do-well.

I learned this earlier today when I went to waste time on Facebook but instead was greeted by THIS message:

"You have been banned from posting for 48 hours. Your previous post violated our community standards. You may not post any content advocating violence."

Wait, advocating WHAT? EXCUSE ME? I cringe when I watch boxing. I am a proud and unashamed wuss. I don't even know HOW to advocate violence.

So why did I sent to Mark Zuckerberg's social media prison for 2 days? Prepare to NOT be amazed.

I subscribe to many Facebook chat groups, including a forum for fans of the Sirius/XM satellite radio channel "1st Wave." That's the channel that plays awesome new wave tunes from the 80s. I often blast it inappropriately in the car.

The "1st Wave" Facebook forum isn't affiliated with Sirius/XM. It's run entirely by fans, who usually spend their days arguing circles about the merits of 80s music and new wave nostalgia. But their favorite pastime is complaining. Every day, at least one person will gripe about hearing a song on the channel too often, or a song they don't think should be classified as "new wave." In fact, so many people have complained over the years about the song "Joey" by Concrete Blonde that it's become a running joke in the forum.

"Joey" is a polarizing song, and it IS perplexing that 1st Wave plays it repeatedly. It's a decent tune, but it's far from "new wave." Had "Joey" been released in the mid-90s, it would've been an alternative rock hit. But it pre-dated that movement by a couple years, so Sirius lumps it onto First Wave, where it sticks out like a sore, grungey thumb. 

And yesterday, like clockwork, some random stranger joined the forum just to post, "Dear 1st Wave, please stop playing Joey by Concrete Blonde, as it is not new wave. Ridiculous." This caused a dozen other people to start chiming in, while I sat back with popcorn to watch people yell at a radio station in a forum that the radio station probably doesn't know exists.

Eventually, I posted a snarky comment aimed at the haters. I used the lyrics to ANOTHER song -- the 1st Wave mainstay "Panic" by The Smiths. The chorus to "Panic" goes, "Burn down the disco! Hang the blessed DJ, because the music they constantly play says nothing to me about my life." I changed it to "Burn down the Facebook! Hang the blessed DJ because the Joey they constantly play says nothing to me about new wave."

Minutes later, the great robotic judges of Facebook flagged my post claiming I was legitimately advocating for arson and lynching. Yep, I was banned for posting "violent" lyrics from The Smiths, a band whose frontman Morrissey would often lip-sync into a bouquet of gladiolas and might very well be the lone person on Earth I could beat up, were I ever to become a punch-throwing member of society.

So look out, people. I've experienced my first official dose of rebellion. It's a gateway drug to a life of sin and wickedry. In no time at all, I expect to be ripping tags off mattresses with carefree abandon.

Then again, maybe I AM a bad boy. Several people recently sent me an article about a man suing the Las Vegas police because he was mistakenly arrested earlier this year. He's a 23-year-old black man, and it turns out the criminal the cops were after was a 51-year-old white guy. The only thing this poor guy had in common with the wanted felon was his name: Shane Brown. Gulp.

It's not me, I promise. They eventually arrested the right Shane Brown, and he DOES look like a bad boy. I need to step up my rebel game if I'm going to compete with THAT dude -- so if anyone needs me, I'll be wearing white after Labor Day and burping in public while unnecessarily driving repetitively on the Avenue of the Cities. If you've got a problem with that, feel free to write me on Facebook. You can expect a response in 46 hours and 20 minutes.