COLUMN: Mexican Pizza

So, let's recap: It's 2022, and everything's still going to heck in a handbag.

Political discord continues to run amok. War ravages parts of Europe. Our old nostalgic fear of a nuclear apocalypse is back for an encore. Women's rights are under attack. Inflation soars. Crime runs rampant. COVID hasn't exactly disappeared. Division and anger is the new normal. Got it.

Good thing that's all about to change. That's right, people -- our long national nightmare is over: On May 19th, Taco Bell is bringing back Mexican Pizza. Yes, on that magic day, mankind will unite in spirit and harmony to come together as one -- well, one drive-thru lane, at the very least. 

Personally? I don't get it. I never thought Mexican Pizza was all that, but man, people sure threw a hissy-fit when Taco Bell removed it from their menu in 2020. Petitions were signed. Protests were held. I was confused. To me, the Mexican Pizza just seemed like another way for Taco Bell to recycle and present their same five basic ingredients in a new and exciting geometric shape. Isn't it basically just a taco, but flat?

But to each their own. If you've been missing Mexican Pizza, I feel your pain. This whole saga got me thinking about MY favorite dearly departed fast food menu items that I'd love to see make a comeback:

* At the same time Taco Bell abandoned Mexican Pizza, they also removed MY favorite item: the shredded chicken burrito. Not only were those little buggers tasty, but when compared to most of their menu, you could ALMOST convince yourself you were eating healthy. You people are complaining about the wrong item. Let's start a shredded chicken petition. Who's with me?

* We've already established that the Bell has delicious soft, crunchy, and flat items. But remember when they used to have BIG items? When I was a kid, you could order the Taco Bellgrande, a beast of a taco about 2.5 times the size of a normal one. You opened one of those bad boys and felt like a king. I distinctly remember a slumber party that involved a huge bag of those suckers, a 12-pack of Jolt Cola, and the movie "C.H.U.D." That, friends, is living the 8th grade dream.

* Remember that short period when McDonalds sold salad in soda cups? The McSalad Shaker was a ridiculous concept, but I bought into it full-throttle. You'd get your cup-o'- salad, pop open the lid, squeeze in an unhealthy amount of dressing, replace the lid, and then hold your own little salad maraca jam session. When you were done shaking, the dressing would be evenly distributed across the entire salad and you could dig in -- either with a fork or, as I was more prone to doing, horse-style. It was a glorious era. Of course, if you weren't careful, the lid could pop off mid-shake and the dressing would instead be evenly distributed across your entire car, but it was a small price to pay for the privilege of driving around drinking a salad.

* Popeye's and Chick-fil-A can fight over who makes the best chicken sandwich all they want, but in MY book, the winner will always be the original 1980s-era chicken fillet from Hardee's. I'm talking the chicken with the weird artificial reddish-brown hue that almost tasted burnt. It's my favorite chicken sandwich ever. If I ever time-travelled back to the 1980's, hitting the Hardee's drive-thru would be a serious priority. 

* Never look a gift Runza in the mouth. When Southpark Mall first opened their food court, one of the first restaurants to open was Runza, the Nebraska-based fast-food mainstay. It was also one of the first to close. Maybe the idea of loose meat and cabbage stuffed into a bread roll was too radical for our fragile Illinois palates. I never tried Runza when it here, despite the pleadings of my Nebraska-born best friend. But when I found myself out west last year, I drove past a Runza and gave it a shot. Turns out those weird little sandwiches are delicious and I never knew it.

* But just thinking of the late great food court at Southpark makes me roll a tear for my most-missed Quad City fast food of all: Steak Escape. I can't tell you how many times I made Southpark runs just as an excuse to swing by their tiny piece of food court real estate. Their sandwiches were great (it's tough to screw up a Philly cheesesteak,) but they weren't the stars of the show. I will stand atop ANY soapbox and proclaim to the world that Steak Escape has the best fries in the business. Fresh-cut Idaho potatoes obliterated in peanut oil to a golden crisp that probably shortens life spans but lengthens human joy. Man, I miss those fries. Like Runza, Steak Escapes still exist out there somewhere, just not the Quad Cities. Maybe I need a fast food break -- as in, let me take a break from work so I can travel the country eating fast food.

So thank you, Taco Bell, for returning your glorious Mexican Pizza and healing our broken nation. It may be the only thing keeping us from full-on anarchy (at least, until the next time the McRib returns.)