Column: Days of our Lives

I've been going home for lunch lately.

I hate a quiet house, so when I walk in the door, I usually flip the TV on straight away -- and when do that at lunchtime, magic awaits. I've been unintentionally timing my lunch to coincide with some of the greatest scripted dialogue ever written, courtesy Earth's guiltiest of pleasures: Days of our Lives. 

These are ACTUAL lines that have come out of my television in the past week:

"If you were shooting people to defend your mother, that's justifiable!"

"I just stopped by to see if you had any new leads on the case... and to bring you some pheasant."

"Kate, did you tell Lucas that Abby knew he was Sami's kidnapper?"

Yes, if you're having a bad day, rest assured that it's nowhere NEAR as bad as the fictional residents of Salem, who can never catch a break. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives -- except their days don't look anything like the days of MY life, and I'm kinda grateful for that.

No one is immune from the addictive schlock of Days of our Lives. I mocked it relentlessly in college, but I akso WATCHED it relentlessly in college. Back then, it was common to stroll the halls and hear Days blaring from a dozen different dorm rooms. It's a dangerous drug. Date one girl who watches Days and soon YOU'RE watching Days. Next thing you know, you're waiting in line to meet Days star Matthew Ashford at a Rock Island autograph session. Or so I'm told. Cough.

It's been a long time since I've seen this silly show, but I watched, like, fifteen whole minutes today, so I think I'm up to speed.

For the uninitiated, Days is mostly concerned with two families: the Bradys (who are good,) and the DiMeras (who are NOT.) They all live in Salem, a town that appears to consist of five upscale houses, a bar, and a hospital. Everyone is dating everyone else. All the women look elegant and all the men look like Sears catalog models. A vast majority of the population has been murdered or presumed dead at least once. Oh, and occasionally, people get possessed by the devil.

The episode I just watched centered on Victor Kiriakis, who has been one of the reigning bad guys of Days for decades. I'm pretty sure he's about 108 years old now. (In real life, he's portrayed by the legendary John Aniston, dad of Jennifer.) Victor seems either upset or dead, I can't quite tell. 

"I know you're upset," someone says. "The situation is complicated and upsetting. But Victor, we're talking about a baby! A new life!"

"A new life," Victor replies, "that was spawned by a woman who tried to electrocute me in my own bathtub!"

Ahh, THERE's the Days I remember. It isn't Salem if there's not at least one lunatic murderer roaming the streets. But if Victor's a bad guy, perhaps it's a hero lunatic murderer roaming the streets -- an electrocutionist with a heart of gold. But wait, Victor was a bad guy. Perhaps the lunatic murderer is actually the hero here -- an electrocutionist mama with a heart of gold.

Also (spoiler alert): Someone named Abigail is dead. I don't think the TV audience knows who did it, because EVERYONE looks suspicious. There's a guy wandering around in a bloody shirt. There's another guy who blacked out and doesn't remember what he did last night. There's also a tiny flamboyant man in a plaid jacket whose every scene is accompanied by keyboards SO ominous there's no way he's not the killer. Plus, he has Evil Guy Hair. It sticks a half foot off his head and the tips are frosted. He's clearly a psychopath.

"I heard about Abigail," Frosty Tips says. "What happened?"

"She was stabbed," says the Sears catalog model, which then immediately cuts to a hazy flashback of Frosty Tips holding a knife.

"They said it was a robbery," says the Sears catalog model, which cuts to ANOTHER flackback of Frosty Tips literally sneaking around with a bag full of jewels.

That's as much as I could take. To sum up: Abigail's dead. Victor's old. Everyone may have done it, but my money's on Frosty Tips, in the conservatory, with the knife.

More than anything, I'm amazed at how many cast members are still around 30 years since I last watched. Patch and Kayla. Jack and Jennifer. Victor. I'm pretty sure Marlena's still around, but she's probably possessed by a demon, as is often her way. Oddly, Salem also appears to be now populated by a good chunk of the cast of the old "227" sitcom. I have no idea what that's all about.

I refuse to watch any more lest risk becoming emotionally invested in the dumbest show ever. I have no idea who murdered Abigail, but it's okay. Knowing this show, she's most likely not even dead. Eight years from now, we'll learn that she's been alive this whole time living on a desert island. They probably murdered her long-long twin sister Babigail by accident. On Days of Our Lives, anything -- LITERALLY anything -- is possible.