It's that time of year of again. Yes, that glorious week when we can forget our woes, ignore our differences, and heal our nation's great divide. Finally, we as a people can come together and focus on that which really matters in life.
That's right, the new Taylor Swift album is out. Our long national crisis is at an end. We made it, people. Who's running for office? The economy's doing what? There's a virus? Who cares -- have you SEEN the video for "Anti-Hero" yet?
Based on this week's news coverage, you'd think the world came to a stop at midnight on Friday when the album dropped -- and it nearly DID. So many people were trying to listen to Taylor Swift's record at the same time that it nearly broke the internet. Spotify clocked 184.7 million streams on the day of its release -- and it would have been more had the site not crashed from overuse.
This isn't exactly new for Taylor Swift -- many of the sales and streaming records she broke last weekend were her own. One out of every 50 CD's bought on Earth is a Taylor Swift record. But the hype behind her new album didn't just break the internet -- it almost broke my patience.
I am a Taylor Swift fan. In MY circles, this is something akin to social suicide. I used to be one of those snobby jerks behind the counter at your favorite record store, smirking as I silently judged your inferior tastes in music. I'm not supposed to like Taylor Swift. I'm supposed to like bands with unpronouncable names that no one's ever heard of because their albums are only sold from the backs of beat-up Volkswagens parked behind seedy clubs. Taylor Swift isn't hipster approved.
Me? I couldn't care less. I have all her records, I've seen her live on multiple occasions, and I even (SQUEEEEEEE!) got backstage and met her once. I give props to any pop artist who writes most of their own material, and it's truly impressive how she can switch genres with ease. After spending the past few years dabbling with indie-folk, "Midnights" is all about dark synths and moody energy. It'll sell a million copies. Oops, it already did.
I'm a fan of Taylor Swift, but I might be at my limit for her marketing team. Nobody knows how to roll out a new record quite like Team Taylor. Every album launch is preceded by cryptic videos, pics, and clues designed to build hype and get chatrooms fired up. It's kinda like Q-Anon, just without all that pesky child-sacrifice stuff. By the time her albums actually drop, her fans ("Swifties") are already whipped up into a buying frenzy.
Here's where the true brilliance happens. "Midnights" came out on Friday in 20 different formats. Collect all 4 different CD covers! Collect all 4 vinyl covers! Get the autographed versions online! Don't forget the cassette! And oh, hey, there's exclusive versions at Target with 3 bonus tracks! Oh, and for all those people who rushed out and bought it at midnight? Sorry -- three hours later, she released a "3 a.m." version of the album with 7 additional songs and the only way to get them is to buy it AGAIN.
Taylor Swift has the most devoted fans in the world, and you know there's Swifties out there procuring all 20 different versions. I'm just surprised she stopped at twenty. Where's the limited edition 8-track? Why not release a special edition of "Midnights" only available on player piano reels that can only be played from special Taylor Swift pianos available in 8 different types of wood. Collect 'em all!
"Midnights" is less than a week old, and the hype machine is already revving up for her NEXT album. It's been all but confirmed that her next project will be a re-recorded version of one of her classic records, but which one? Well, if you watch her new video, there's a scene in an elevator -- and if you freeze-frame it, the elevator buttons are colored in a precise order that corresponds to the color of her dresses from each of her previous eleven album covers. She presses the button for the third floor, and Swifties think it's a direct sign that her next album will be a re-release of her third record, "Speak Now." Sadly, they're probably right.
But I may have stumbled onto something even more revealing. Write out all the lyrics to "Midnights" and assign each letter a corresponding numeric value. Add them up and then divide by number of cats Taylor owns and multiply that by the house number of her childhood home. Then subtract the # of boyfriends she's ever written songs about and divide THAT by Jake Gyllenhall's social security number. Then convert the total back into letters and YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT SPELLS!
(Okay, I have no idea what it spells, but shh! I just wanted to give Swifties something to do this weekend. I have a feeling some of them are awfully lonely people... like me.)
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