COLUMN: Strike

Well, it's official. Life is temporarily meaningless.

As I'm typing this, the Writers Guild of America has just gone on strike. Unless it gets resolved in a hurry, it's likely that all late-night talk shows will be in reruns by the time you read this. If you were anxiously awaiting Pete Davidson hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend, you'll need to keep on waiting. Already there's talk of the anticipated fall slate of new TV shows getting pushed back to winter or later. The storytellers are on the picket lines.

This is a huge bummer. TV and film writers shouldn't be struggling for money. Writers have the thankless job of creating people, places, and events exciting enough that'd we'd rather stop living our own lives and watch the lives of pretend people instead. That kind of skill deserves fair compensation. And now with streaming networks where "seasons" of shows can be 8-10 episodes instead of the traditional 24, some writers are having to work for multiple shows and flicks at the same time just to make ends meet.

With all the problems in the world right now, it might seem frivolous to pay good money to people whose job it is to entertain us. But without them to create characters with rechid, problem-soaked lives, we'd have no means of escaping our own rechid, problem-soaked lives. I would certainly rather watch "Homicide: Life on the Streets" than live it.

So it's bad that writers aren't making a fair share. It's also bad that I'm so addicted to television, I'm not sure how I'll survive this strike. I guess it'll have to be a return to the classics. Goodbye, new episodes of "Ted Lasso." Hello, reruns of "Parks and Rec." Leslie Knope has never let me down, and I don't think she ever will. There's no telling how long this strike could go on, so we'd better be prepared for a long summer of reruns and terrible reality TV. 

Unless...

The way I see it, it's the fault of the Writer's Guild of America for not inviting small Midwestern newspaper columnists to join their ranks. The Guild might be on strike, but I'M not. Us writers have gotta stick together, so you'll never see Shane Brown crossing any picket lines to do any scab writing. Good thing, then, that I'm willing to work from home. 

Give me a call, big network TV producer types. I'll get to writing and keep all your franchises afloat, don't you worry about a thing. What should my first project be?

Ooh, I know. Give me the reins of "Bridgerton." I'll take over head writing on the ridiculously popular Netflix series while the strike goes on. You're welcome, everyone. Let's see, first thing's first. Quick, someone tell me what "Bridgerton" is about because I've never seen it. Ah, who cares. I'm pretty sure "Bridgerton" is a stodgy show about old-timey England, right? Except with, like, LOADS AND LOADS of whoopie-making, yeah? It's basically "Downton Abbey" if soundtracked by Marvin Gaye, right? From what I gather, it's just petticoats and nookie as far as the eye can see.

I can handle that. Okay, so maybe I don't know a thing about romance shows or England in the 1800s. But I know the key to success for any good show is securing a younger audience. Well, I watched one of those "Twilight" movies once, so I'm pretty sure I know exactly what "Bridgerton" needs to get a younger audience.

Bridgerton S3 E1, a Shane Brown Joint:

Camera OPENS on an old-timey 1800s estate bedroom. In walks LADY WHATSHERNAME and THE DUKE OF WHEREVER. 

DUKE: Hark, what light through yonder window breaks? Tis the east, and Lady Whatshername is the sun! Let us commence with thy nookie!

LADY WHATSHERNAME: Actually, I'm over here on the other side of the room. That light is just the full moon.

DUKE: Wait, did you say... FULL... MOON...? Nooooo!

Everyone turns into werewolves. Much whoopie is made. It is ridiculously sexy, but it is mostly just ridiculous. The end. 

Hire me as your new head writer, and I'll prove you can NEVER have enough werewolves. Don't ask me why, I have no clue. But if those "Twilight" movies are any example, ladies just love werewolves. Put me in charge and I'll add them to every show.

Let's be honest, who among us WOULDN'T watch a TV series called "Law and Order and Werewolves"? Admit it, if there were even the slightest chance that District Attorney Jack McCoy could transform into a blood-thirsty lupine killing machine, you wouldn't miss an episode. "In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime -- and the werewolves, who eat people's faces off. These are their stories." THAT'S RATINGS GOLD, PEOPLE.

In honesty, I stand in solidarity with the Writer's Guild of America. Well, mostly I sit in solidarity with them, usually in front of the TV where their work is on nightly display. I hope the strike gets settled amicably soon. Mostly because I don't want to wait for the second season of "Severance." And also because I don't think America is ready to handle my magnum opus, "Everybody Loves Raymond Except Werewolves."