COLUMN: Diet Woes

Like many of you, when COVID had the world on pause, I figured it was a good time to pick up a new hobby. For me, that hobby was cooking.

After all, what was there to lose? All the restaurants were closed, so there weren't better options. I was home alone, so I couldn't accidentally poison anyone other than myself. I didn't have to worry about impressing my friends, because they only saw me over Zoom and if I were to have made dinner inedible, I could just gently scoop the food into the trash off-camera off-camera and say, "Mmm, it's super delicious! I'm really getting the hang of this!"

I was resolved to finally learn how this kitchenmajig worked. I dug out my stovetop from under a mountain of pizza boxes. I bought an Instant Pot and an air fryer. I got groceries delivered to my door from Instacart. I watched a quinjillion cooking videos on Youtube. At first, successes were fleeting and misfires happened often. You might remember my column about the time I tried to glaze a ham steak and instead somehow turned it into rock-hard ham candy. 

Slowly but surely, though, I started getting it. I went from making meals that were barely edible... to meals that were tasty... to meals I'd gladly pay good money at a restaurant to eat. When COVID restrictions eased up, I think I really DID impress my friends. I hosted a few dinner parties. I was starting to feel like cooking was some kind of mid-life calling for me.

But then the no-fun-nik police (or, specifically, the no-fun-nik paramedics) showed up a few weeks ago to put an end to all that nonsense. I've now been tended to by a wide array of doctors and nurses, and they've all informed me that I need to make some lifestyle changes, and diet is high atop that list. See ya, sugar. Farewell, fat. Sayonara, salt. It was good to know you.

Years of eating like an idiot finally caught up to me, and now it's my turn to see if I can't turn things around and start eating healthy.

The problem is, no one's been able to definitively tell me precisely what that means. Here are actual phrases I've heard over the past month by assorted medical professionals:

"You need to eat more fruit."

"Stay away from bananas and pineapple and mangos, they're bad fruit."

"Mango is a superfruit and you should make them part of your diet."

"Orange juice is essentially poison and should be banned."

"When you eat fruit, balance it out with a healthy fat like almonds."

"I would stay away from almonds, they're just fat."

"Your dinner plate should be 1/4 protein."

"You don't have to eat protein with every meal."

With all due respect to the greater medical community (and especially those of you who effectively saved my life,) I'm starting to get the feeling that sometimes y'all might be winging it just a little bit.

I'm pretty sure the lesson I'm getting is this: all food is super duper bad for you, except for maybe brussel sprouts and broccoli. We know this because they taste terrible, which means they must be amazing for your health. If you eat anything that tastes good, it's surely poisoning your body. If it has any flavor whatsoever, it's likely clogging your arteries as we speak. If it tastes rancid and bitter, it might be rotten or it might just be kale. Is that the basics then? Bon appetit!

Vegetables are undeniably good for you. Well, I think. Maybe they're just taking up space on that plate so you don't have any room to add donuts or cake or French fries. Salt is undeniably bad for you, except that it's a necessary mineral and without it you might die, but also with it you might die. Also, it's in EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be surprised if one serving of air contained 200 mg of sodium.    

So I guess it's back to the drawing board and a quinjillion other videos, except this time I'm trying to learn how to make healthy food taste not entirely awful. I'm learning as I go, I guess. With enough spices, turkey can be pretty good. Sugar-free frozen yogurt isn't half bad. Mustard and hot sauce and fat-free sour cream can help make icky stuff taste less icky. 

Wish me luck. My doctor tells me I should stick to a Mediterranean diet, so I figure if all else fails, I can give up and just tell people I'm medically cleared to consume nothing but gyros, baklava, and flaming cheese moving forward.