Summer brings to mind many adjectives: carefree, lazy, relaxing, tropical, sunny, delightful, etc. Thus far, mine can be described as spooky. And perhaps a little stupid.
In my never-ending quest for personal growth and long-term success, I've set a series of important goals for myself this summer. Well, okay, ONE goal: It's time to get my DVR queue down to a manageable level.
This is the ONE time of year when I get a respite from my arduous and time-consuming TV watching schedule. We're in that magic window between the end of season finales and the start of my true summer shame: Big Brother. It's the perfect time to watch all the shows that have been gathering and taking up space on my DVR.
There's just one problem: it's mostly all quite terrible stuff. I watch all the good quality shows live, which means I leave the DVR to tape all my guilty pleasures. My DVR presently sits at 98% capacity. And I'd reckon about 95% of that 98% is nothing but shows about ghosts, UFOs, and sasquatches. I realize this sort of television fare is best suited for times a bit more Halloween-y, but some of these shows have been stacking up SINCE Halloween, so I need to get my summer paranormal on, y'all.
I like to think that I'm not a stupid person. That said, I DO enjoy my share of stupid shows about things that go bump in the night. Is most of it ridiculous hocum designed to get ratings and appeal to the lowest common denominator of humanity? Absolutely. Do I still watch it religiously? You betcha. And now I have somewhere in the range of 150 hours of this nonsense to catch up on, all so I can clear up room to record even MORE nonsense.
So while you've been enjoying nights out with good weather, great friends, and grilled food, I've been sitting here watching people take electromagnetic readings of door handles to prove the existence of bogeymen. Good times.
I'm starting to realize I can only suspend my disbelief for short doses. The more of these shows I watch, the more ridiculous they become -- and this is a genre that can already make the leap from scary to silly in a heartbeat. Among the worst offenders is a show featuring a woman with purported psychic powers who enters supposedly haunted homes and communicates with the dead. Having spent last night binge-watching, I have questions.
Each episode follows the same rough outline. We meet the scared homeowner who goes into great detail about their haunted domicile. The poor family is usually being plagued by unexplained noises, strange shadows, and the ever-popular "feeling like we're being watched." Sometimes they report seeing ghostly figures and apparitions popping 'round to say hello.
Then it's later that night. The psychic lady enters the house and says something ominous like, "THIS IS NOT GOOD!" before regaling us with tales of the evil and malicious spiritual forces at play.
Here's my question: I've seen umpteen episodes of this show, and I've yet to see her encounter ONE friendly ghost. Is there some kind of afterlife prerequisite that all ghosts must be demented or have some kind of malicious murderous agenda? As far as I'm concerned, this would be a bummer.
I've always hated change. When I'm forcibly shuffled off this mortal coil, if a white light shows up to take me away to the loving oneness of the universe, there's a pretty good chance I'll go, "Thanks, I'm good. I'd rather just stick around my living room if that's cool." I've always thought I'd be a fairly decent ghost to have around, but I'd clearly be a letdown if any psychic show came a-calling.
"I'm afraid you were right. Your house is haunted by the unholy presence of a dark spirit."
"Horrors! What does it want?"
"Let me attempt to communicate with him."
"I'm scared! What do you want, o spirit demon?"
"He says... he says... he says the band you were listening to last night was prosaic and derivative. He wants to make you a mixtape. He also hopes you could leave your TV on HBO. He wants to discuss the ending of 'Game of Thrones' with you."
"Oh no."
"THIS IS NOT GOOD!"
Pity whoever buys my house.
At the end of every episode, the psychic then tells the homeowners how to rid themselves of their otherworldly infestations. This can involve anything from salt to prayers to exorcisms and/or shamanic rituals -- all your standard ghostbusting checklist type stuff. But in the episode I watched last night, she produced a vial of something called "tar water" supposedly culled from one of the more voodooey bayous of Louisiana.
"One drop of this in each room," she explains, "and all spirits will be banished."
Well, that's handy. But wait, ALL spirits? So shouldn't tar water be the answer to every one of these episodes? In fact, shouldn't every episode from this point on last for exactly one scene?
"My house is haunted. Please help!"
"Here. Have some tar water."
"Much better. Thanks. Goodbye."
This might make for a slightly less entertaining program, but clearly a more efficient one -- not to mention a much-needed boon to the struggling tar water industry. Most importantly, it'd sure take up less space on the DVR. TV should hire me. It'd give me something to do this summer -- looks like I may have some free time on my hands.
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