COLUMN: ASMR

My name's Shane, and I'm a media-holic.

God forbid I spend even a single moment alone with my own thoughts. I guess it's just comforting to know that the world continues to spin even when I'm in my own private Idaho. There's nary a second of the day that I'm not plugged into multiple media sources. 

You think I'm kidding? I often bring speakers into my bathroom so I can listen to podcasts while I'm in the shower. As I'm typing this now, I also have a second window pulled up on my laptop where I'm watching tornado chasers livestream from Kansas. Over my right shoulder, someone just missed the answer to Final Jeopardy. Over my left shoulder, Alexa awaits my every command. My police scanner is on. Downstairs, music is playing from a stereo no-one's listening to, while my bedroom TV is playing a looped film of some random guy's birdfeeder in case the cats need their own media fix. I may have a problem.

I'm even media-obsessed when I'm unconscious. Yep, I'm one of those weirdos who can't sleep unless there's a TV on in the background. The problem is, I can't find the right thing to watch -- or, more specifically, NOT watch and sleep through.

For years, I just tuned in overnight to one of the local networks with the sound nearly muted. After years of sleeping my way through Agribusiness Today, you'd think I'd be subconsciously well-versed on soybean futures by now. 

Lately, though, I've been experimenting with some new overnight options. The results have been decidedly mixed.

Do you guys know what ASMR is? It stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, although I'm pretty sure it really stands for Absolutely Stupid Mindboggling Ridiculousness. Its a new fad that's crept up from the oddest corners of the internet over the past few years, and it might be my favorite thing ever.

ASMR is a recognized form of paresthesia -- a tingling sensation that some people claim to experience when watching or listening to certain triggers. (I'm not one of them.) Most people who experience ASMR describe it a pleasant euphoric experience. I'm guessing it's sort of like fingers on a chalkboard, but in a GOOD way?

There are self-styled ASMR gurus online who claim their videos can can induce the phenomenon. Trust me, it's must-watch TV at its finest.

Traditional ASMR triggers are said to include: soft or whispering voices, repetitive noises, watching someone perform mundane tasks, tapping, clicking, breathing, and close-up hand movements. I've yet to have an ASMR video give me tingles, but they've definitely induced laughter.

If you've ever wanted to watch a 48-minute video of a guy leaning over a microphone making squirrel noises with his mouth, ASMR videos are for you. If you get euphoric tingles from watching a girl click two Lego pieces together for 17 minutes, ASMR videos are for you. If you want to watch a complete stranger brush their teeth for twenty-four straight minutes, ASMR videos are for you.

Personally, I don't care HOW good those tingles might feel, NOTHING is worth the uncomfortably close-up video I just watched of a guy's mouth as he slowly and loudly ate an entire bag of Doritos. 

Some people find ASMR videos incredibly relaxing, so I thought I'd try some as background noise while going to bed. I typed "ASMR" into Youtube and hit play on the first video that came up. Naturally, it was titled "100% ASMR Ear Licking." What followed were 29 of the least relaxing, least euphoric, and most hysterical minutes of my life, as I couldn't stop watching this asinine video of a girl licking a microphone for a half hour straight.

Even the cats looked at me like, "Have you gone weird, my man?" 

ASMR trigger videos do NOT help me sleep. They DO help me feel gross, awkward and especially worrisome about future generations -- and frankly, I'm already skilled at those feelings without the need to watch 29 minutes of faux ear-lickery. 

I tried some other relaxation videos instead. Norway's public television is famed for their all-day marathon shows of trains, sheep shearing, and people quilting for entire afternoons. There's oodles of rain sound effect videos. There's even videos labelled "sci-fi ambience" that are apparently supposed to emulate the feel of being aboard a spaceship, but in reality just kinda sound like muffled vacuum cleaners.

I also noticed most of those videos have now changed their titles to add "ASMR," as if now ANYTHING that's boring and long can now claim to be an ASMR trigger. I should just film myself typing this column and upload it as "ASMR Typing Trigger" and see how many views it gets. You might think all of this is weird (I sure do,) but in ONE month, "ASMR 100% Ear Licking" has been viewed 637,003 times. When your video's been viewed by more people than live in Wyoming, it gets tougher and tougher to argue that it's weird.

All I know is nothing made me tingly OR tired. I tried watching a 12-hour video of a guy driving cross-country and I found myself Googling road signs he was passing so I could map his course. I tried the app where celebrities read boring stories to put you to sleep and I ended up getting WAY into the stories. I think tonight I'll try this radical new sleep trigger I've been reading about online - it's called "silence."  I guess you turn off all your electronics and just, like, lay there in the dark. It sounds SO weird.