Other journalists may hem and haw about with "fact checking" and "being professional" and "taking their job seriously, Shane," but is it safe for me to just come out and say it?
UFOs ARE REAL, PEOPLE. We should all probably run or something.
Scoff if you must, but it's a 100% actual honest fact that in the coming days, maybe even by the time you read this, the Pentagon is supposed to be releasing a report purported to confirm, in simple language, that UFOs exist.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't the government owning up to the existence of little green men. Even if the feds had a warehouse full of ETs somewhere, I doubt they'd ever invite us over for show-and-tell.
But this IS one of the few times the government has been willing to admit that sometimes, in our skies, there are unidentified flying objects. Most recently, a video from the Navy leaked showing high-speed objects with no visible means of propulsion out-manuvering and outflying some of our fanciest fighter jets.
The video itself isn't much to look at -- just a grainy TicTac-shaped object in even grainier night vision. It isn't exactly the Death Star or anything. But it really IS captivating to see a flying breath mint run circles around fighter jets despite a lack of noticeable wings, rotors, or engines.
No one's saying it's aliens -- but no one's saying it's NOT aliens, either. Maybe there's a bunker somewhere in Who-knows-istan where scientists have invented some seriously next-level drone gadgetry. Maybe Elon Musk has more tricks up his sleeve than he's letting on. Maybe it's some crazy weather phenomenon we've never seen before.
One thing's for sure, though: it's weird. And I like weird.
I don't know if I'm a firm believer in alien visitors. But when you look up at the sky and realize there's a hundred thousand million stars in our galaxy, and then you realize that ours is but one of at least two trillion galaxies, it seems a little short-sighted to presume that ours is the only planet whose one-celled organisms had the wherewithal to grow legs and go for a stroll. I'm positive there's life out there.
I'm just not quite as positive that I ever want to meet it. Movie aliens are often portrayed as friendly, humanoid folks who visit Earth in order to share their wisdom of the universe. REAL aliens could be ravenous mosquito-monsters who visit Earth in order to share their wisdom of what condiments go best with people-meat (in which case, enjoy COVID, suckers.) There's a fine line between inviting us TO dinner and inviting us FOR dinner.
Still, I'm fascinated by the idea that we're not alone in the universe. These are the times I like to go night driving and stargaze, but it's sadly cloudy out tonight, so I was left to peruse the newest UFO videos on Youtube to get my sci-fix in.
Most are super disappointing. One channel I found hyped a video entitled, "PROOF POSITIVE THAT ALIENS EXIST," and then proceeded to show a home movie of someone in their car filming a purported UFO. Except it wasn't a UFO. It was very obviously a dead bug on their windshield. If that's proof positive of alien life, the aliens are disappointingly small and REALLY easy to smoosh.
You could waste hours watching crackpot UFO conspiracy theory videos online. I should know because I just did. I'm now rife with important and crucial knowledge. In just one hour, I learned that:
- Aliens, working alongside the US government, have built 129 underground mile-deep bases throughout the US, and they're all interconnected by electromagnetic trains that whizz under our feet at the speed of sound.
- "Nordic aliens" (??) are building large spaceships in conjunction with the Illuminati. Soon they'll tell us the Earth is dying and we need to board their spaceships to flee the planet. But don't believe them, it's a trap!
- COVID was genetically engineered by harvesting toxic alien, umm, droppings.
- The International Space Station exists in order to secretly forge alien metals that can only be smelted in zero gravity outer space.
- 64,000 secret black helicopters roam the skies nightly looking for aliens by spying on us all.
- The House of Windsor are descendents of shape-shifting, dragon-worshipping alien vampires intent on world domination. (I must've missed that episode of "The Crown.")
I'm glad the internet is here to bring us such clarity. If aliens ARE visiting us, they probably don't come here to study us or share their widsom of the universe. They're probably just here to laugh at us. Maybe Earth is just the universe's top-rated sitcom of all time. Or their trashiest reality show, I'm not sure which.
All I know is that, like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. But I'm not sure about the old X-Files tagline, "The Truth Is Out There." If it is, it's REALLY out there, and only after you hang a left past the royal shape-shifting vampires.
The nerd in me will still read every sentence of the Pentagon report if and when it comes out. And I'll still gaze at the stars with the awe and wonder they deserve. But if I spent a year in isolation only to have aliens invade before I can make it to my first post-pandemic concert, I'll be seriously ticked off. Give us a breather, aliens. It's already been a rough year.
No comments:
Post a Comment