COLUMN: Pity Party

Somebody better alert the Guinness people. I may have just set a record for The World's Shortest Pity Party. 

I've got no right to complain about my life. I have a great job, a wonderful family, a roof over my head, and an ever-growing army of cats to carry out my evil bidding. I've amassed some of the greatest friends a fella could ever have -- and one of the oldest and dearest of those friends recently paid me a visit.

I've known Chad since junior high. I was a super nerd in those days, and we met in the nerdiest of ways: computer club. Chad was, and still is, the smartest human I've ever known.

I wish I had cool nerd stories to share, but we weren't cool nerds. We didn't start a fraternity or seek any revenge, and we never built a robot girlfriend who taught us life lessons (but if anyone ever COULD, it's probably Chad.)

About the wildest we got were slumber parties where we'd chug Jolt Cola and play video games 'til sunup. We were THOSE kinda nerds. 

In high school, Chad moved away to some Fancy Academy for Super Smart Kids, but we've stayed in touch over the years and try to get together whenever he visits home. These days, he gets paid to teach computers how to think. When the day comes that robots become sentient and try to enslave humanity, it'll probably be Chad's fault. Whenever we hang out, I reckon there's always a decent chance that a time-travelling Arnold Schwarzenegger's going to bust through the door any second to either kill him or save him. 

It was fun having him in town, and I'd like to tell you we spent the day as mature adults reminiscing over a lovely dinner or something. I certainly don't want to tell you that two 50-year-old men wasted an entire Saturday eating frozen pizza and playing Nintendo until 3 a.m.

At one point, though, we set the Nintendo down long enough to head out and replenish our junk food cache. That's when I took Chad on a little detour.

"I need to sidetrack for a second," I explained. "It's Record Store Day."

That's a real thing. International Record Store Day is my favorite holiday of the year. On that day, music companies issue small quantities of limited-edition records to select independent shops around the globe. Most are already collector's items before they even go on sale. Music nerds start lining up at the crack of dawn to be first through the door. I call it Vinyl Christmas

There were a couple pieces I wanted to procure, so I dragged Chad over to Co-Op Records real quick.

On the way there, that's when it hit me. There I was, fifty years old, still a nerd, still hanging with my nerdy friend, wasting an entire day playing Nintendo and then driving around talking about the Nintendo we'd just played.

The ugly thoughts came fast and furious. My mouth was somehow still talking about video games, but my brain was having a pity party. YOU'RE PATHETIC. NOBODY LIKES YOU. YOU'RE STILL A NERD. GROW UP. NO WONDER YOU WERE PICKED LAST FOR GYM CLASS, YOU RIDICULOUS MAN.

By the time we got to the store, I was internally questioning my life choices while still mindlessly talking about Zelda and Mario. Then I walked through the door.

At some point in my life, my nerd focus shifted from gaming to music, and record stores shall always be my happy place. If there's a heaven, mine will be lined with crates of vinyl and a limitless number of people with whom to argue the merits of Weezer and My Bloody Valentine for hours on end.

That afternoon, Co-Op Records was packed with masked shoppers. And I swear to you, I took two steps in and a majority of them turned and gleefully yelled out, "SHANE!" 

They had no idea, but my fellow music nerds saved me from an existential crisis that day. I might be a nerd. I might even be pathetic. But I have my people, I have my friends, and I have my happy place. I'm not ever getting a seat at the cool kids table, but I don't think I want one. Honestly, it looks like hard work.

I'd rather be a life-long nerd with my life-long nerd friends. We have crazy fun, we know the meaning of real friendship, and I'll guarantee we have much better taste in music. Next time I have a pity party, it's gonna have loads of video games and a great soundtrack.