COLUMN: Elvis

As we all know, this week marks the anniversary of Elvis Presley's, umm, something-or-other. Truth be told, I haven't been paying attention, but I saw Priscilla on the Today show, so there must be something happening. [Pause for Google.] Yep, this week marks the 45th anniversary of Elvis' death (or, if you believe the Weekly World News, the 45th anniversary of him faking his death in order to live on the moon with JFK and Bigfoot.)

I've never understood the Elvis phenomenon. In my defense, I was only alive for 6 years of it. I've always found his vocals a little grating, his dance moves a little silly, and his weird facial expressions completely off-putting. I did enjoy touring Graceland, especially the Wal-Mart-sized gift shop where you can buy an Elvis table to play poker with Elvis cards while drinking from Elvis glasses on Elvis coasters until your Elvis clock tells you its time for bed.

I get it. Elvis was super important to a whole lot of people, and that even includes me. I've never been a fan, but if Elvis hadn't gotten all shook up in his blue suede shoes, the music of today might not exist -- up to and including the pretentious, sad, whiny stuff I listen to. Elvis was a force, and you've gotta respect him.

So I thought I'd give due props to the King this week by doing something I've never accomplished: sitting through one of his movies. From 1956-1969, Elvis made 31 feature films that are notoriously fun and campy. I've never made it through one. Today is the day. Let's do this.

00:14 - If there was any question which movie I was watching, it's cleared up fourteen seconds in. Elvis is already singing "Viva Las Vegas."

00:28 - When I was a kid, I thought the lyric was, "I got a whole lotta money that's ready to burn, so get those STEAKS up higher," as if Elvis had so much money he was using it for dinner kindling. (It's "stakes." Duh.)

02:34 - There's our guy. I assumed Elvis would be a card shark or something. Nope. He's a race car driver named Lucky, in town for the big Grand Prix. He's got a car, but no engine. This would be like me showing up to a DJ battle with no music. 

05:34 - Lucky's rival is an Italian with the amazing name of Elmo Mancini. He is fixing his car in a smoking jacket, because he is cool.

06:36 - Forget the race: they've spotted a girl. It's Ann-Margret. Elvis and Elmo are both smitten.

12:00 - The two rivals go looking for her in what can only be described as a swingin' montage to racism, where dancing girls strut their way through a medley of insensitive cultural stereotypes that would never fly today.

17:31 - They find her! She's the pool manager at their hotel. Elvis pulls out a guitar within seconds.

26:02 - Ann-Margret is a whole lotta something. Her go-go dancing is aggressive and confrontational. I think it's supposed to be sexy. She keeps making faces like she wants to murder people with her pelvis. Elvis should run.

29:43 - Instead, they go on a dream date, which involves, in order: skeet shooting, Moped riding, gunslinger cosplay, and water skiing, all before Elvis pilots a helicopter over the Hoover Dam, which I'm pretty sure is a federal crime without proper clearance. They are not shot down.

46:29 - Elvis and Ann get into a fight. She storms off. He wins her heart back -- by buying her a tree. I am very confused.

47:05 - Elmo: "Why don't we have a quiet dinner tonight in my suite?" Ann-Margret: "Oh, no, I couldn't. Not after the tree." WHAT IS HAPPENING?

1:04:00 - Despite her murderous go-go dancing, Ann-Margret loses the big hotel talent show to Elvis, who performs... "Viva Las Vegas." Again.

1:16:30 - Elvis gets his motor and it's time for the big race. For no explainable reason, all of the supporting characters follow in a spacious helicopter which is apparently fueled by magic.

1:22:20 - This Grand Prix takes place on city streets and rural highways with NO barriers or safety equipment whatsoever. In some shots, you can see oncoming traffic and pedestrians. This seems ill-advised.

1:23:05 - Elmo lost. And by lost, I mean he appears to be dead. Based on the crash footage they keep splicing in, I reckon over half the field has been decapitated.

1:23:29 - Elvis wins, pretty much by default, because he's one of the few remaining drivers whose head is still attached to his neck. It's clearly time for a song. That song is "Viva Las Vegas." Again.

1:23:40 - Lucky Elvis and Ann-Margret are wed! By my count, they have known each other for exactly 5 days. Then again, it IS Vegas.

So thanks, King. You still rule. I've learned much. Clearly, if I want to marry the woman of my dreams in 5 days, all I need is a sweet ride, a tree for gifting, and a song about the city I'm in which I can sing repeatedly. If anyone needs me, I'll be over there in the corner, working out the lyrics to "Yay Rock Island."