COLUMN: Sexy Garlic

I don't think anyone can argue that our world hasn't loosened its morals over the years.

Not so long ago, TV networks refused to show Elvis from the waist down, in fear of moral terpitude running rampant on the streets. These days, you can walk down those same streets wearing a thong bikini listening to Cardi B's "WAP" on your way to the marijuana dispensary. The times have a'-changed.

By and large, I'm okay with it. I'm not one to get easily offended, I've been known to have a potty mouth, and even I can admit that "WAP" is kind of a bop. But sometimes, things come along so morally repehensible that even we most diehard defenders of the First Amendment go, "Okay, we gotta put a stop to this." Thankfully, we have South Korean watchdogs doing it for us.

This week, the Korean Peasant's League and Korean Women Peasants Association sprang into action to protect their citizens against a dangerous moral threat. Due to their urgent campaigning and pressure, Korean television recently stopped airing an ad that was leading the innocent down a dark and deviant path of wicked immorality. South Korea has immediately banned a television spot that "sexually objectifies garlic."

Immoral temptation awaits us around every bend -- up to and including our super-sexy kitchens.

By and large, I seldom worry about the risque nature of farm-to-table produce. But according to this watchdog group, the ad in question "has content of sexual expression that goes beyond sensationalism and damages the reputation of agricultural products." Because, as we all know, garlic is nothing without its wholesome and chaste reputation. 

If you're anything like me, your first thought was probably, "WHERE CAN I IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT DELAY VIEW THIS AD?" It's not easy. Pro tip: Do NOT Google "sexy garlic." There WILL be boobs, and some will be vampire boobs. There are seem to be people who delight in posting pics of garlic bulbs that look like butt cheeks. And yes, there are plentiful stock photos of sexy models licking garlic bread. Ain't technology grand?

I did eventually find the video. It's especially weird -- and NOT especially sexy. The ad promotes Hongsan garlic, a brand promised to be "very thick and hard." And the rest of the video is a woman sexy-flirting with a guy wearing a giant garlic mask. Its the kind of ad that the words "what the...?" were invented for.

Here's what bugs me more than the ad, though. The sexiness of grocery staples is a concept I have NEVER pondered, but I'm pretty sure garlic is about the least sexy food out there. I have proof.

This past Monday, I woke up PARCHED. Magic pixies had somehow crawled down my throat while I slept and set up a series of dehumidifiers. That's when I looked to my right and saw salvation. I would have squealed had my larynx not been made of sand. There on my bedside table sat a half bottle of water from the night before. I took a triumphant swig -- and nearly threw up.

You see, the night before, I'd made spaghetti for dinner. I didn't have any garlic bread -- but I had some bread and I had some garlic, so I improvised. It was delicious. But when I took a great big swig of that bottled water to discover IT now also tasted like last night's garlic bread? Well, that was just seismically gross. There's no worse way to roll into a Monday morning than making a beeline to your toothbrush while yelling, "Ew! Ew! Ew!"

I was running late, so I quickly buttered some toast with jam for the commute. I was halfway over the bridge when I took my first bite of what was inexplicably jam-and-garlic toast. That's when I learned a fun lesson: If you make garlic bread at home, you should NOT spread the garlic on the first slice of toast and then use the same knife to get butter out of the tub for the second slice. I had accidentally created a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not A Garlic Hellscape.

If garlic's as sexy as that Korean ad claims, then I must have looked like a supermodel as I spat out that strawberry garlic toast. I almost left the rest out for the birds, but I reckon they might even take a hard pass on that particular treat.

Sorry, Hongsan. It's gonna take more than your bizarre ad to convince me that garlic's the sexiest food -- especially in a world where kumquats exist.