COLUMN: Alien Invasion?

Seriously? You're reading MY column?

It's only been a few days since the United States government just casually admitted shooting down a handful of UFOs, and you're just sitting around with nothing better to do than peruse some local columnist? Shame on you. Clearly, you should be out panicking in the streets. 

This is NOT how I expected first contact to go, people. There should be at least a modicum of street panic, a slew of end-of-the-world rhetoric, and a healthy sprinkling of some good old-fashioned martial law. So far, this alien invasion is NOT living up to the movies one bit. I haven't even heard a single quip from Will Smith yet.

Okay, fine. So recent events most likely WEREN'T the opening gambits of an alien attack. Still, you've got to admit it was kinda cool, in a sci-fi geeky sorta way. The United States military really DID shoot down a handful of objects, and those objects really were both unidentified AND flying. By dictionary definition of the term, we shot down actual UFOs. This isn't an everyday occurrence. 

I know this because on Monday, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre literally had to say the following words in a press conference with a (kinda) straight face: "There has been no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns." I never thought I'd see a day when the White House had to assemble the press of the free world in order to deny military engagement with an alien spaceship. I found it both ridiculous and reassuring.

It is ALSO, however, exactly what the White House would likely say if they HAD engaged in an alien dogfight. No one wants to host a press conference that redefines reality and throws a cog into most major world religions. Things like that usually don't end well.

I, however, will forever be Team Alien. I fully believe we're not alone out there. Go out on a clear night and look up at the stars. There's a kajillion of them. And beyond THAT kajillion is, like, a billion-kajillion more we can't even see with our naked eyes. It would be mighty presumtuous to think that, in all the solar systems in all the galaxies of the universe, WE'RE the only planet with one-celled organisms who had the wherewithal to grow legs, crawl out of the primordial muck, and build shopping centers. 

That said, it's equally presumtuous to assume that, should alien life exist, they'd want to come HERE. Let's be honest, if there's an E.T. society so technologically evolved that they've conquered interstellar travel, I don't think Earth would be high on their list of vacation getaways. There's little we're going to offer them apart from COVID-19, a hangover, and a souvenir plastic fish that sings "Take Me To The River" when you walk past it.

We should probably be happy that whatever we shot down last week doesn't appear to be alien in origin. If an E.T. species ever decides to visit Earth, it probably won't be to get our favorite hotdish recipes. It'll probably be because humans are the main ingredient in THEIR favorite hotdish recipes. Thankfully, it sounds like the things we've been shooting down are balloons and surveillance gear from other countries playing high-altitude peek-a-boo. This is where I also get confused a little.

Doesn't balloon flying seem like a rather outdated means of espionage these days? If you want to see the first-hand power of surveillance, just go to Google Earth. The images there are captured from satellites orbiting 370 miles above us. That would be the equivalent of trying to look out your window in Moline in an attempt to view Toledo, Ohio. Yet the resolution of Google Earth images of the Quad Cities is good enough for me to discern they were taken on a Saturday afternoon. Our parking lot at work is empty, which rules out weekdays. If you look down upon the parking lot of the Davenport Freight House, you can see clean-up underway from that morning's Farmer's Market. And if you can find MY house, you'll see my car outside, parked in a spot I usually only use when I'm loading equipment for a weekend DJ gig. 

If you can get all THAT from a satellite 370 miles away, what on Earth do you need to launch a mini-Hindenberg for? There's not much stealth at play when you can look up, point, and go, "What's with the big floaty thing in the sky?" It sounds like the first object we shot down was a Chinese balloon carrying a payload the size of three city buses. The other two objects we downed are still unknown, although they've been described as "octagonal, with dangling strings," which I'm guessing means either more nefarious balloonery OR giant flying squid monsters -- and in EITHER scenario, shooting them down seems like the optimal response.

Long story short, UFOs officially exist. But they're likely not the friendly little green men my childhood dreamed of. It's probably just the Chinese government trying to eavesdrop on my DJ set. If that's the case, my dudes, all you need to do is ask nicely and I'll send you a recording, promise.