I'm in a panic.
Seconds ago, I just realized that I've done the unthinkable. I went home for lunch today and returned to the office without my cell phone. I left it at home. I hope it's okay without me.
I feel naked, afraid, and entirely cut off from society. Please pray for my survival.
Being without a phone these days doesn't even seem like a realistic concept, but I have to remind myself that I somehow survived over a quarter of a century before someone had the decency to invent the cell phone. This included my entire school career, up to and including college. I'm pretty sure telling kids about life before cell phones is this generation's version of "back in my day, I had to hike through three miles of snow barefoot to get to school."
But it's true. I attended high school AND college without the aid of a cell phone. When I needed to talk to a friend, I actually had to TALK to them (the HORROR!) If I wanted to play Words With Friends, I had to do it on a big square board the ancients called "Scrabble," and the Friends in question would have to actually come over to play. If I wanted to share a pic of my dinner, I'd have to bring a camera to the dining room table, wait 3-4 days for the film to be developed, and then walk around with a photo in my hand like, "See? Dinner!"
For now, though, I need to be strong. It's 1 p.m. I'm not going to see my phone again until after sunset. I quickly need to develop an action plan for how one navigates life without constant access to TMZ and Twitter. For the next five hours, I will have no earthly idea what Kanye West is doing or what beauty products Kylie Jenner thinks I should buy. It's going to be a VERY long day.
Honestly, though, how did one piece of equipment become so vital to human existence in such a short time? When I was younger, if I was stressed out or having a bad day, I'd grab a couple friends and we'd go bombing around lost highways and country paths until the wee hours of the night, cruising the backroads with the radio cranked. A few decades later, that sort of activity seems downright reckless. I'm not saying aimless driving is foolish or immature, because I still hop in the car and dip out to the sticks anytime I'm stressed out. But these days, I wouldn't dream of doing it without Google Maps and an instant connection to 911 in my pocket.
What would have happened to footloose and phone-free 1990s Shane had his car broken down at 1 a.m. along some gravel road in the middle of the woods? I don't even wanna think about it, but my best guess is that I'd have been eaten by wolves while crying for my mommy. Strangers who knock on the doors of country folk in the middle of the night are usually NOT greeted with a smile. I'm already worried about driving home tonight without a phone, and it's literally an eight-minute urban commute. I can practically see my house from the office.
It's dumb to not have a phone with you at all times in case of emergencies. But it's equally as dumb to rely on those phones for as much as we do. I just realized I can't call a single one of my friends right now. This isn't because I don't have a phone. There's a landline here atop my desk, and I'm surrounded by co-workers whose phones I could probably borrow if I looked sad enough. I still wouldn't be able to call my friends, because I have NO idea what any of their phone numbers are. They're all programmed into my phone.
I used to know everyone's digits. I can still remember some of my friends' home phone numbers from the 1980s. But nowadays, even if I want to call my very best friend in the whole world, I would need to pick up my phone, click on "Recents," and find his name. Sometimes, I'm too lazy to even do THAT and instead just yell, "Hey Siri, call Jason" into the open air. And okay, sure, half the time when I do that, my phone will inexplicably reply, "Okay, calling BASEMENT" and one day I swear I'm going to let that call play out just to find out what "BASEMENT" is and why Siri knows its number.
At least once a year, I'll stumble across some article about the horrors of cell phone addiction, telling us we need to limit our screen time or we'll forget how to interact with our fellow man. I usually roll my eyes. It's hard for me to find a negative side to a device in your pocket that can communicate around the world, serve as a camera, and give you 24/7 access to maps, weather, news, and nearly every TV show, movie, and record album known to man. I'm guessing a good percentage of you are probably reading this column from your phones right now.
The key, I think, is striking a good balance. I try to live a life augmented by technology, but hopefully not reliant upon it. Sometimes I succeed in that balance, and sometimes I miserably fail. Either way, there's probably an app for that. Now, if only there were an app that would tell you when you're about to forget your phone on your kitchen counter, I'd be having a MUCH better day. Hold those tweets, everyone. No one go viral. I'll be home in five hours.
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