In keeping with my role here as a hard-hitting journalist who focuses on the issues that matter, I feel like it's my duty to bring everyone up to speed on the latest developments in time travel.
Last time we spoke on this, I told you about a TikTok user named Eno Alric ("theradianttimetraveler") who purports to be a time traveler from the year 2671. Alric claims to have traveled to the past on a mission to spread warnings about our future fate. You know, run-of-the-mill events like California falling into the ocean, lizard people being among us -- and, per his latest TikToks, scientists will discover a bunker on February 27 containing an alien species that emits a liquid from its mouth that can stop human aging and make our skin rock hard. So there's something to look forward to.
Of course, Alric has also made countless predictions yet to come through, but I'd guess his truth-telling caused a rift in the space-time continuum, altered the events of future human history, and saved us from destruction. He's clearly the hero we need, and I see no reason to doubt him. After all, there's only two possible truths here: (1) A time-traveler from a future world has come to warn us of impending danger, and has decided the best way to do so is via an app where children lip-sync to vulgar songs; or, (2) someone on the internet is lying, which obviously never happens. If you can't trust a complete stranger on TikTok, who CAN you trust? This guy is clearly the real deal.
But friends, Alric is the least of our worries. Just when I got used to receiving urgent warnings about my fate from ONE time-traveller, another has shown up on TikTok. And this guy means business.
His name is Javier, aka "LoneSurvivor," and he, too, hails from the future. But apparently it's a DIFFERENT future than Alric, because Javier claims to be from 2027 and brings us terrible news. Apparently something rather bad has happened, and all of humanity has been wiped off the map -- except for him. He is the last surviving human. Fortunate coincidence, then, that the last surviving human ALSO has the ability to travel back in time and warn us of our doom, with only a mere four years to spare.
But owing to cold-hearted naysayers on the internet who don't believe him, Javier doesn't spend any time telling us what happened to the human race or how to stop the pending apocalypse. Instead, he spends his time on TikTok posting videos from 2027 as proof he's the last person alive on Earth. His evidence is indisputable.
For instance, in one video, he films himself walking alone at night in an empty parking lot. I don't know about you, but that's all the proof I need that humanity's been destroyed. I've never seen an empty parking before in my life. In another video, he's in a corner of a museum by himself and there's no one else there! My God, how can we stop this plague? Interestingly, though, the museum still appears to have POWER. The lights are on. Javier must have a portable generator he carries with his as he traverses the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That's the best way to explain how he charges his phone to allow him to take all these pics from the empty and desolate future.
I have to admit, I am a bit curious as to HOW humanity disappeared from the planet. In his many videos, we see Javier walking along empty sidewalks and buildings without any sign of other human beings. Had the apocalypse struck, wouldn't the earth be littered with a few billion pesky corpses laying about? In fact, Javier's apocalypse looks downright tidy. It's as if whatever killed off humanity at least had the manners to dust and polish the place before it left.
There's also no sign of any animals in Javier's videos. I would assume that within minutes of the human race being raptured off the planet, Earth would pretty much belong to the raccoons. You'd think packs of wild chickens would be running the streets while bears hibernated in our skyscrapers, but it appears nature is keeping to itself in Javier's videos.
Still, I see no reason to doubt Javier. Well, maybe one reason. Let's suspend disbelief and assume you live in a future that may or may not be a terrifying end-of-days hellscape. The GOOD news is that you've also just invented time travel (whew!). You can go anywhere, see anything, live in any era. You could hang out with dinosaurs. You could re-live the moment man walked on the moon. You could use your future knowledge to invest in Microsoft, buy a mansion, and live out your days in quiet anonymity. Or, out of all the eras of human history, you could be like Javier and return to that glorious decade when half the population hated the other half and a global pandemic was terrifying the world. THAT'S the era I'd like to visit, said no-one in the future ever.
But on the off-chance that you ARE a time-traveller and have returned from Tomorrowland in order to catch up with your favorite newspaper columnist of yesteryear, if you could let me know this weekend's winning lottery numbers as well as the plot of Season 4 of "Barry," I'd owe you a solid.
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