Who among us doesn't love a good shortcut?
I take my laziness seriously. If there's a way to cut a corner or speed up a process, I'm all for it. If I stumble into an ad for some new product designed to make life easier, even if it's some sketchy 2 a.m. infomercial, I'll usually at least take the time to hear 'em out. There's nothing better than discovering a new household hack with the potential to simplify an annoying chore, thus enabling me to focus on more pressing matters -- specifically, the matter of me pressing my butt onto a couch cushion.
This much dedication to the art of lethargy requires focus, fortitude, and commitment. Excelling in laziness takes innovation, trial and error, and thinking outside the box.
Take some mundane task like -- oh, I dunno -- doing a load of laundry or something. Laundry is a time-consuming and resource-wasting affair that just seems full of huge gaps of wasted time where you're idly standing around waiting for some machine to stop running. That time could clearly be better spent laying on a couch watching bad TV or staring into space thinking about absolutely nothing. As all the infomercials say: "There's GOT to be a better way!"
For example, think about how long it takes your washer to empty. Every single time you run a load of laundry, you've got to stand there for an eternity while all that dirty water drains out of the wash basin. What a waste of time, am I right? Well, here's where thinking outside the box really pays off. Hear me out, now -- WHAT IF, instead of waiting for that dirty water to travel allll the way through your pipes and out to the sewer, you instead simply dumped all that water directly onto your basement floor. Wouldn't that be a great timesaver?
Answer: No. It would not. Trust me on this one. I have officially tried it out.
My first clue should've been my cat. At 7:00 p.m., I had thrown a load of laundry in the wash. One of my cats loves to lie down in front of the washer and demand belly-rubs from any passing human, even if said human is lugging around piles of dirty clothes. But when I went back to move the clothes to the dryer, I noticed my cat had moved from the floor to higher ground on the couch. The second thing I noticed was that my feet were wet.
Yep. Somehow my washer had backed up and dumped an entire wash cycle AND an entire rinse cycle full of water alllllll over my basement floor. The carpet was sopping. The clothes waiting for the next load were sopping. Water was pooling up on the opposite end of the basement. It was everywhere.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU COME GET ME?" I yelled at my cat. She looked back at me and said, and I quote, "Meow." I'm pretty sure I meowed back but it may have just been an angry scream.
I'm not saying I had a ton of hot plans for this week, but none of them involved attempting to set the world record for the number of dehumidifiers running simultaneously in the same basement. It's been four days now, and things are starting to get better. I think its safe to say we've now moved from wet to moist, which is an improvement. Much of this is due to my dad, who has been dutifully driving up from Galesburg every day to solve the mystery of what happened.
At first, we assumed the washer had suffered some sort of tramautic rupture, but we learned that wasn't the case when I ran some water down the kitchen sink only to have it jet out the washer pipes as if my basement was the fountains at the Bellagio. Nope, there was a blockage somewhere in my pipes.
Dad ran a 25' snake down the sink to try and clear it out. Then we second-guessed our work and did it all over again for good measure. Then we third-guessed our second guess and paid a pro to come out and ensure that every drain in my house now empties swiftly into the bowels of Hell.
This also brought about the realization that my washer and dryer -- which came with the house -- were pretty old and funky, and what better time to replace them than while they're disconnected and decommissioned to higher ground? So I've been unexpectedly appliance shopping and rapidly realizing I have no idea what I'm doing. Front load or top load? Direct drive or belt? Doors that open to the left or the right?
I checked out reviews of the top models in an attempt to narrow down the field some. Instead, I learned things like, "Great wash options, but sometimes has problems connecting to wi-fi." Wait, WHAT? There are SMART WASHERS now?? We actually now live in a world where I can sit on my couch, pull out my phone, and tell my washer exactly when to start a new load? And it'll send me a text message the second the clothes are done? Sign. Me. Up.
Let the cavalcade of laziness commence! Well, as soon as the floor's dry enough to install new appliances, I guess. No one sells self-drying, Bluetooth-enabled Smart Basements, do they?
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