COLUMN: Grusch

If you're a regular reader of this column, you likely know I'm a sucker for any good tale about UFOs, UAPs, aliens, or any unexplained and/or potentially extra-terrestrial weirdness in the skies. Every time I look up at the stars, there's a tiny part of me that hopes to see a flying saucer wave back. In reality, these are NOT ideal things to wish for. I have a feeling most aliens cruising past our planet are likely less interested in having us to dinner as they are having us FOR dinner.

But it might be time to make those dinner plans now. A new report is out, and, spoiler alert: Aliens are real. UFOs are real. This information comes to us in a shocking new allegation by Some Random Guy. And frankly, what kind of world do we live in if we can't listen to the warnings of some random guy and believe every word he says without a shred of credible evidence? After all, this seems to be a policy that's worked successfully for people on the internet for years.

This particular Some Random Guy, though, might merit a listen. His name is David Charles Grusch, and he comes with a pedigree that sounds awfully impressive. In fact, the big article this week in which Grusch turns alien whistleblower seems less concerned about Grusch's claims than it does listing his resume in hopes of proving he's more than your run-of-the-mill nutbag pointing to the sky and yelling "aliens!" He was a former combat officer in Afghanistan. He's a veteran of the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency and the National Reconnaissance Office, which are both apparently real things that exist. On paper, his credibility seems solid.

And Grusch says alien ships are real and we've got 'em.

According to his claims, the U.S. government has been sweeping up crashed UFOs for decades, and that the objects retrieved are "of exotic origin (non-human intelligence, whether extraterrestrial or unknown origin) based on the vehicle morphologies and material science testing and the possession of unique atomic arrangements and radiological signatures." In other words, according to our boy Dave: UFO's are real, we've got some, and we've been covering up their existence for decades. He hasn't actually SEEN any of these otherworldly Ubers, but he's talked to people who have.

Dave's story has been making headlines all week, because he's certainly one of the more credible voices to ever turn UFO whistleblower. In fact, he vetted his disclosure with the Department of Defense first, who approved his statements as "cleared for open publication" back in April. Of course, Dave doesn't offer much in the way of evidence, and his statements are broad and generalized. It's not as if he said, "And one of the UFO's is in a bunker in Indiana. Here's the address. Ask for Doug and tell him you want to speak with Voltrax of the planet Gorgon 5."   

But for the government to even allow a generalized vague statement purporting the existence of UFOs, let alone a claim that we're secretly collecting and studying them, would've been unthinkable just years ago. But over the past few administrations, it seems like the government has slowly been warming to the idea that it might not be entirely out of this world to admit that there are some things in the night sky that could be entirely out of this world. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this.

I grew up on a steady diet of science fiction. I was a nerd and my friends were nerds -- and as such, we had a duty to oft contemplate the existence of little green men. I'm fully convinced that we are not alone in the universe. As I've said before, it seems a little egotistical to look up at the night sky and assume that we're the only planet whose inhabitants had the wherewithal to grow legs and walk out of the primordial ooze. 

For most of my life, I've yearned for full transparency from our government as to any evidence of aliens or UFOs. But my opinion may have changed on that.

After what I've witnessed from society lately, I'm starting to think maybe some secrets should just stay secret. We've all had a front-row seat of just how well everyone coped with the introduction of ONE new viral microbe into our festival line-up. Imagine how well things would play out if a flying saucer came down on national TV and a Martian named Kevin jumped out like, "W'sup?"

Somehow we'd instantly find a way to make it political. Would we see Kevin the Martian as a friend or an enemy? CNN and Fox would endlessly debate it to death. Twitter wars would erupt over which bathrooms we'd allow Kevin to use. Maybe Kevin would endorse a brand of beer and cause half the country to lose their minds. Taylor Swift could go on a date with Kevin and break the entire internet, causing global unrest and mass pandemonium.

So, to my new friend David Grusch, I say this: "Shh." We've spent the last decade sailing this ship directly into the middle of a typhoon, so maybe we shouldn't do anything to rock the boat any harder. I mean, you could tell ME, though. I'm trustworthy. I certainly won't write a column about where the aliens are and/or ask you 1,436 times for a ride in your UFO. Promise.