WARNING: The following column features activities performed either by idiots or idiots under the supervision of other idiots. Accordingly, Shane must insist that no one attempt to recreate or re-enact any activity mentioned in this column.
Or, in short, please don't pee in your eye.
There was once a time when I would've assumed "don't pee in your eye" would be an unnecessary disclaimer in a world with common sense. But that was a world BEFORE the internet. We now live in different times. Stupider times.
I've spent the past few columns obsessing over online idiocy, and that's because I have nothing much better to do in the winter than sit around and scroll through TikTok in judgment of society. I've found videos claiming the Super Bowl was rigged and other videos offering "FINAL PROOF" that Taylor Swift is, in fact, a reptilian alien with a hidden agenda for global domination. I've watched cringe-worthy livestreams of individuals unburdened by talent who think they're great singers and/or captivating comedians.
On special occasion, I've even watched clips of people convinced that our Earth is flat as a pancake. Here's what I don't get about that argument: if the world were flat, which it decidedly is NOT, why the global (or, errm, rectangular) cover-up? Wouldn't we have just learned this flat factoid in science class? Why would our flat earth require some kind of epic conspiracy to keep us in the dark? Is it just so none of us dare sail off the edge into oblivion? I don't get it.
But nothing I've run into on TikTok is quite like the page of one Suama Fraile.
Suama is an "assistant metaphysical counselor," which is apparently something that one can be. When it comes to natural holistic medicine, she claims to be an expert. You can tell this because she exudes an aura of confidence (and possibly patchouli) in her videos -- and also because she paints a little sun on her forehead, which is something I always look for when seeking expert counsel.
When I'm fast-scrolling through dozens of videos on TikTok, you've got about 1.5 seconds to pique my interest or I'm flipping right past you. Well, Suama's video got my attention in record time by its opening line alone: "I will now tell you why urine is so wonderful." Interest level achieved. Well done.
According to Suama, we've all been doing this whole "life" thing wrong for a mighty long time. Some people say that laughter is the best medicine. Personally, I've always advocated that medicine is the best medicine. Suama is a firm believer that the best medicine is actually human urine.
"We carry our own internal medicine that's perfect for us," she explains. "Wonderful herbs come out of the urine," she declares confidently. "It is loaded with minerals, like gold. Our own inner gold."
To prove her point, she then tells us that she's cured herself of astigmatism and myopia. How, you may ask? By pouring urine into her eyes on a daily basis, of course. How could we as a society have been duped all these years into wearing glasses and trusting optometrists when we can simply fix it all with our "inner gold"? Curse our foolish naivety.
You may have questions. I certainly do. Chief among them: who was the first person to attempt this, and WHY? Who was the legendary trendsetter who thought, "Hey, THIS stuff belongs in my eye!" Second, even if you wanted to partake in such an activity (which you should NOT), HOW does one even accomplish this? I would think there might be logistical challenges in such an endeavor. After all, you don't want to run the risk of an errant shot causing your forehead painting to run.
Like all of us (admit it), I have not been immune to one or two restroom mishaps in my life, but thus far nothing so tragic as to introduce my eyes to "inner gold." I did see a funny video once of a new father suffering a horrible fate while attempting his first diaper change, but I don't recall him throwing away his contact lenses in triumph. Instead, I'm pretty sure he screamed.
But questions are okay. Questions are good, and Suama's ready for them. She'll answer them all. All you need to do is provide Suama with your credit card and you can take her class to learn all the wonders of "urine therapy." She'll even teach you how to "make" something called "enhanced urine" (I'm not asking.) In another video, she tells of a secret mantra you can utter several times a day to fix all your woes. That's a separate class. Apparently, based on her fiscal solvency to consistently afford forehead paint alone, people are paying good money to learn how to mumble nonsense and pee into their own eyeballs. I love our world.
I did some research (and am now probably on some kind of FBI watchlist) and "urine therapy" really is a thing in some of the stranger corners of the holistic internet. REAL doctors even did a study you can find entitled, "The Golden Fountain - Is urine the miracle drug no one told you about?" Spoiler alert: It is NOT. Unsurprisingly, words like "contamination" and "bacterial growth" are abundant in their findings, and the study even shows that folks who recycle their "inner gold" for crazypants purposes are often prone to antibiotic resistance. In other words, DON'T DO IT. Like, ever.
But, I suppose, who are we to believe? Science and scientists and doctors and nurses and anyone with a shred of common sense? Or a nice lady with a forehead painting asking for my Mastercard? Maybe if we stopped listening to that pesky logic of ours and followed Suama's helpful advice, we could one day be able to walk down the street with perfect 20/20 vision, which we could then use to clearly see all the people pointing and laughing and saying, "there goes the crazy lady who pees in her eye."
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