Welp, the teams have been decided, the date's been set, and a superb owl is just over a week away. Kansas City and San Francisco are about to do battle on the gridiron. This can only mean one thing: It was all rigged.
At least, that's what my Twitter feed claims today. And yes, I know it's called X now, but no one calls it that. Twitter for life, baby.
I'm a fan of social media. Not in the "it's-enriching-our-world-for-the-greater-good-of-mankind" kinda way. I'm more of a fan in the "let's-see-what-the-crazies-have-to-say-today" kinda way. If you're a card-carrying member of the tinfoil hat collective, the internet is your stage and we're your anonymous audience. I'll be there in the front row with popcorn, promise. Conspiracy theory culture can be great entertainment. Heck, sometimes it can even be right.
This probably isn't one of those times.
The conspiracy theory du jour that's been popping up on Twitter this week goes something like this: The entire NFL season has been rigged to get the undeserving Kansas City Chiefs into the Super Bowl. Why? So that Taylor Swift, currently the world's most famous girlfriend, can have a huge audience in order to tell her legions of fans to vote for Joe Biden. If you believe that, I'll wait a few seconds for you to return to Earth from leaping over all that logic. It was probably a bumpy flight.
For the sake of a decent read, let's assume this was true. Let's say an entire football league -- 32 teams, 32 owners, 1,696 players, and 3,595 employees -- have all been in cahoots to throw this entire season to get the Chiefs into the final game. To what end? So that Kansas City can call a time-out in the 1st quarter and roll out a red carpet for Taylor to stroll across midfield in a "VOTE JOE" t-shirt? I don't see that happening.
113,000,000 people watched the Super Bowl last year. That's less than half the people who follow Taylor Swift on Instagram. If Taylor Swift wanted to tell the world her thoughts on the political landscape, all she has to do is hit SEND. You'd think that would be way easier than commandeering an entire sports league. Taylor Swift is a kajillionaire. She could probably OWN the Chiefs if she wanted to. If she yearns for a public forum, she could buy a 60-second ad in the middle of the game with pocket change. Heck, she could probably win the presidency herself if she declared her candidacy tomorrow.
I'm not sure how getting her boyfriend into the Super Bowl leads us down the path to Swiftie-fueled election interference. It's not like she's playing the halftime show or something. Satan already called dibs on that gig.
Yep, that brings me to the OTHER conspiracy theory I happened upon today.
"CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED," the ominous post on Facebook reads. "From occultists to ceremonial magicians, Illuminati elitists to Satanists, the big agenda and the occult’s purpose is playing out in plain sight in this high profile ritual event known as the Super Bowl halftime show, which has been Satan's biggest way for many years to sinisterly cast witchcraft spells and program the masses for the New World Order, and to receive the mark of the beast and seal their eternal demise."
Wow. The Black Eyed Peas' halftime performance a few years ago was terrible, but I didn't know it was bad enough to seal my eternal demise. Bummer. If the New World Order were to rise up in my lifetime, I would've at least hoped for a more dramatic soundtrack than "my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps." Curse you, Satan!
According to this post, though, the devil's crafty, and he knows the best way to corrupt young minds is through the ominous sorcery of lyrically-edited, lip-synced hip-hop. And who better to lead our new generation down this dark and twisted path of demonology than... Usher?
The best thing about pop culture is that it's always terrified the generations that have preceded it. Whether it's Elvis' hips or the Beatles' hair, the Fresh Prince got it right: parents just don't understand. If you think Usher's a bad influence, I double-dog-dare you to listen to today's Top 40 offerings. There's songs on the charts right now that make me blush when I have to play them at DJ gigs. I do sometimes fear the influence pop culture can have on impressionable minds.
But Usher? Come on. I saw him in concert two decades ago and he blew the headliner off the stage. But that was some time ago, and I don't recall any demons onstage whatsoever during that performance. No offense against Usher, but he's a few years past his pop culture sell-by date for today's generation. He's at that stage of his career where he's likely headed towards a successful Vegas residency and a legion of middle-aged fans who love the guy. In other words, he's the ideal kind of innocuous performer that the Super Bowl books: someone juuust old enough for adults to love while kids won't roll their eyes and change the channel.
For conspiracy theorists, though, he's also apparently the work of the devil, and those very people telling us not to watch the halftime show will be the same ones watching it back over and over again, hoping to discover some dance move or lighting set-up they can claim to be a clear symbol of evil forces at work -- because if there's one thing we all know about the illuminati, they love to reveal their nefarious plans through the art of interpretive dance.
So enjoy the game next week -- except don't watch it at all. Or at least look the other way during the halftime show or any possible camera shots of Taylor Swift cheering on her boyfriend. Maybe if enough people YELL IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET, we can get rid of players' girlfriends and demonic halftime shows altogether. Maybe then we can finally get back to the wholesome, family-friendly activity we all love: watching profane barbarians give each other concussions. Go Team!
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