I think everybody's got it all wrong. All week long, the only thing I've heard out of people is SNOW this, SNOW that. Snow has been the only topic of discussion around every water cooler all week long. Look, I get it. After all, I'm known around the office as the guy who shares those apocalyptic early weather models where it says we're going to get 30 inches of snow before it invariably adjusts down to reasonable levels. I'm the king of winter worries.
Admittedly, this has not been an ideal weather week. But why are we so preoccupied by snow... when TEN FOOT TALL ALIENS WALK AMONG US? Where's your priorities, people?
Dateline: Miami, Florida. New Year's Day. Imagine this scenario: You're enjoying the evening from atop an umpteen-story skyscraper along the Miami coast, as one might do when one lives atop an umpteen-story skyscraper along the Miami coast. Suddenly, your New Year revelries are disrupted by the sound of sirens. You look down to see an armada of police cars rolling up across the street at the crowded Bayside Marketplace.
WHY are police arriving en masse? Because, claims the internet, you can "clearly" see what looks to be a gigantic humanoid alien walking down the street.
This is exactly what happened a few days ago, at least according to a video that's gone viral this week on the world's most reliable news source: TikTok. Behold the first conspiracy theory of 2024 -- and it must be legit, because I've seen it with my own eyes. Well, KINDA, if I squint a little bit -- and perhaps have a good imagination.
Look, if you caption ANY video on the internet with "proof of a ten foot alien," I'm going to watch it. As a card-carrying nerd who's always up for a good tale of little green men (or, in THIS case, BIG green men,) I couldn't click the play button fast enough. Sure enough, you see a guy filming from some really high vantage point (either a skyscraper or a drone.) You see a ludicrous amount of police responding to some kind of incident. You hear what sounds to be gunfire. And yep, you see what appears to be some sort of impossibly tall creature wandering the streets of downtown Miami.
It's impressive -- but it's also blurry. Whoever our amateur cinematographer was, they didn't have a very good camera, and they're far away from the unfolding events. Any attempts to zoom in on our extra-terrestrial street-walker shows little more than a tall, human-looking blur.
So what's the official story? According to a Miami police spokesman, the officers were responding to multiple reports of teenagers fighting in and around the mall. Four teens ended up getting arrested. End of story.
Except that's not nearly as good of a story as the one the internet has crafted, and it's easy to see why the video has (tall, alien) legs.
For one, there's a ridiculous amount of police on the scene. You can see roughly 50 police cars lining the street. If this was simply a group of troublemaking teens, why summon the whole of the Miami Police Department? Why were there noises that sounded like gunfire? And, of course, what of the inhumanly tall figure blurrily strutting around? For those who continually mine the internet for conspiracy theory gold, this video is a motherlode.
Well, not to burst everyone's bubble, but the police have an explanation for all that, too. Apparently the original call that came in to 911 claimed there was an active shooter at the mall, which explains the massive police response. The noises that sounded like gunfire? Apparently the teens were throwing fireworks at one another. As for our alien friend, police say the blurry image is, in fact, two or three officers walking down the street in tandem. When viewed from a distance, the video was filmed at just the right angle to make them look like one blurry ominous figure.
Well, drat. Way to rain on the conspiracy parade with your party-pooping explanations, Miami Police. I'm not one to buy into loony internet theories -- but I AM one who likes to lurk in the comments section with some popcorn and watch the pots crack.
Even though our extra-terrestrial visit was all but debunked, it's not stopped the fringier corners of the internet from keeping the dream of ten-foot aliens alive. It MUST be a government cover-up, they insist. Some swear they were there that night and DEFINITELY saw an otherworldly monster. Add some black helicopter sightings, a reported power outage nearby, and the Miami-Dade airport cancelling flights that day, and you've got proof positive that visitors are among us -- so sayeth the internet.
I'm a Doubting Shane. I think if E.T. decided to sashay his way down Biscayne Boulevard in full public view, there'd probably be more camera footage than just one dude atop a nearby skyscraper. But who am I to suck all the fun out of a fledgling conspiracy theory? If you are out there and friendly, my ten-foot tall tourist buddy, you're welcome to lay low at my place if you need a place to crash.
Bonus points if you're skilled at shoveling snow.
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