COLUMN: Snowbound

Usually, I rely on real life experience to shape this column every week. But over the past few days, I haven't experienced a whole heck of a lot.

For all I cared this week, it could have snowed a kabillion inches and the temps could've been a brisk -4,327 degrees below zero. Once it snows more than 4-5 inches or the temps fall into the single digits, it's pretty much a guarantee you can find me hibernating at home. I did nothing of interest this week, because I was stuck at home doing nothing all week.

It's a good thing, then, that I am highly skilled and experienced in the fine art of doing nothing. I've been training my whole life.

Amongst the nothing I did this week:

* Binge-watched the entire new mystery miniseries "Fool Me Once" on Netflix. Highly recommend.

* Made an interesting soup from a cookbook gifted by mom and dad. Half an onion, half a bell pepper, 2 carrots, 1 sweet potato, 1 can each of black beans and diced tomatos, some garlic, some cumin, and some red pepper flakes. Easy crockpot gold. You can thank me later. It was great.

* Four loads of laundry.

* Two live-streamed DJ sets from my basement on TikTok.

* Successfully forgot to take down my Christmas lights before the snow, and hence I fear my porch may be holly and jolly until spring thaw.

My remaining time was spent tormenting my cat with a laser pointer and then watching her LOSE HER MIND when I let the kitchen tap trickle to avoid frozen pipes. She paced endlessly beneath the sink, deeply concerned about whatever creature was making the "plink plink" noise high above her. Next thing I knew, she was defying gravity and making the impossible leap all the way to the kitchen counter.

I immediately stoof up and yelled, "Hey, you are NOT allowed up there!" She turned to jump off the counter, but she's no spring chicken and I didn't want her to hurt herself on the landing, so I hustled to the kitchen to try and gently get her down. That's when my cat proved she's every bit as smart as I've always thought. As I jogged to the kitchen, she reached down with one paw, grabbed one of the lower cupboard doors, and opened it enough that she could use it as a step to jump down without harm. My cat is a genius, and now knows how to gain direct access to my food. This is probably NOT a good development.

But more than anything, what I really wanted to do this weekend was sleep. In the days preceding Snowmageddon, I'd cut myself VERY short on sleep, mostly out of my own stupid tendency to fall down time-wasting internet rabbitholes before bed. With four forced days of nature-made quarantine, I figured at the very least, I could catch up on some much-needed rest. Instead, I decided insomnia would be the best course of action for the weekend.

Did you know Spotify has an entire genre devoted to sleep playlists? If you're on their search page, keep scrolling past "rock" and "rap" and "dance" and eventually you'll find the genre simply called "sleep." Inside are dozens of playlists you're supposed to listen to in order to help you fall asleep. You can choose from options like "sleep," "deep sleep," and "dreamy vibes." There's an entire playlist called "night rain" that's just 340 different recordings of rainstorms. There's "white noise" (200 tracks of pure static), "green noise" (tinnier static), "pink noise" (less tinny static), and "brown noise" (which pretty much sounds like the Apocalypse,) all designed to help you descend into sleep into a hurry.

That night, I chose the playlist called "Floating Through Space" -- 145 tracks that are basically just someone on a Casio keyboard making pleasant "whooosh" noises and slow-moving angelic chords. The songs all have new-agey titles like "Hovering Sunset" and "Endless Hope." I thought this would be the perfect soundtrack to lull me to dreamland. Instead, I laid there, "floating through space" for nigh on two sleepless hours. It should have shut my mind off. Instead, it made me wonder if out there somewhere, there's a human being who earns a decent living making "whooosh" noises on a Casio keyboard. I want to be that person.

After yet another night of short sleep, I gave up. When it reached bedtime the next night, I went back to Spotify, but decided in my infinite wisdom to explore their "dance" genre playlists instead. If I was going to be up half the night, I might as well discover some new tracks to spin at the club, right? I remember turning Spotify on, I remember selecting the "dance" channel and pressing play. Next thing I knew, it was 11 a.m. I had slept for ten solid hours while thumping dance beats played around me. The "sleep" channel keeps me up all night, but the "dance" channel knocks me unconscious for almost half a day. I might be weird.

All things considered, it was somewhat nice to be a reclusive shut-in all weekend. I was lucky to have not lost power. I was lucky to have been able to stay indoors for most of the frigid weekend. The news said we essentially got an entire winter's worth of snow across a one week span. Maybe that means the worst of winter is behind us and spring is just around the corner. If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow in a couple weeks, he and I will be having words. I'd really like to get these Christmas lights down before the 4th of July.