No more of this poppycock nonsense that our paper calls "news." None of this phony "investigative journalism" stuff that we occasionally run. Finally a REAL newspaper has stepped to the plate with news that MATTERS.
I refer, of course, to the new issue of Star magazine, which I spotted in the checkout lane at Wal-Mart last night. (And don't get me started, I hate Wal-Mart and rail against it as often as possible, but last night there was a crisis involving cat pee and a new litterbox that overrode any ethical dilemmas I might happen to have.)
Anyways, I'm in the checkout lane and there's the new issue of Star. The ONLY newspaper with the guts (oh, heck, I'm not in the newspaper on this, so I'll say it -- with the BALLS) to report the TRUE facts, gripping drama, and MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION FACING OUR WORLD TODAY:
"Tom & Katie -- Are They Faking It? Signs Point to Yes!"
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease let them be faking it. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease? Either that or all of us need to put our thinking caps together and figure out a way to break them up pronto.